the joy of listening

Two years ago I started an experiment with my kids. That experiment is still running. I was on a quest to see if I could tolerate audio books in the car. My commute to work is 20 minutes each way and I thought (after years of my mom-the-librarian singing their praises) that maybe I could work my way through a book or two and fill the time with something other than radio chatter.

The book I picked was Book 1 from the Chronicles of Narnia. What I learned was yes, I could listen to a book in the car. Yes, I would miss some parts of the story for the sake of driving safely, but I could enjoy the book just the same.

The thing about the experiment was the unintended consequences or side-effects. Four days a week I would pick up my kids from school and when I began the book I let it play out while they were in the car. Right away I was hammered with questions. So I stopped the book and told them all that happened so far. Then we listened to the story. On the third day, they asked me to "make the story wait for them" so they wouldn't miss any more. At the end of the week I realized something, the car was silent (save for the audio book).

When we finished the first book my kids begged for me to get the next one. And then the next one. And the one after that. Seven books over the course of weeks of driving from school to home, to church, to the store, anywhere we went the story played. The only rule was that all four kids have to be in the car in order to play the story. The car transitioned from a noisy, frustrating experience to a calm and quiet place. Order had been restored to my minivan.

A year and a half later and we are still at it. We have listened to the entire Chronicles of Narnia, The Sisters Grimm series, Harry Potter books 1-4, Lemony Snicket Books 1-3, The first two Percy Jackson books, Septimus Heap books 1-3, and many others. Every car ride is met with a story. Every car ride is as peaceful as can be.

There's something else happening that only took me a few months to figure out. My kids were becoming more and more excited about the stories. They would be crushed when the car turned off at the hight of the story, they would giggle about the funny parts, and best of all the began to speculate on what would happen next.

My kids love books. They love to read. They love to listen. But most of all I think they love to dive into the adventures with both feet. Josh (8) is not the strongest reader, but I am not worried. I'm not worried because he's the one who comes to me and talks about the stories we listen to. He tells me his favorite characters, what he thinks will happen next, he thinks about the words, processes the story and gets it. So he may not be a fluent reader, but the part that matters more is weather he understands what he reads. I think over time he will become a stronger reader, for now though he can still enjoy his stories.

They all can. They can enjoy the books. I can enjoy the peace. 

Reflections of a Mom and Teacher

It's been two years since the last time I visited my blog. I don't know how that happens but it does. So let's start with a quick update of what has happened in two years.

- Catherine and Joshua both wear glasses
- All kids love to read - though Josh is the hardest to find books for
- Discovered audio books are the key to quiet car rides
- Stephen, David, and Joshua all have received First Holy Communion
- Cat transitioned to Middle school
- We've been to Myrtle Beach, Disney, Cape May, and other small adventures along the way.
- I began Grad school, and am 1 year (3 classes) away from completion.
- I left my job at St. Mikes and now work as a Technology Facilitator for Southern Lehigh School District.
- Current ages of the kids Cat 11, Stephen 8, David 8, Joshua 8.

There is so much more that we have experienced but I can't remember it all. For now I want to explore some things that are on my mind.

Yesterday I took my kids to the Trexler Game Preserve. We didn't stay long because (as per my usual) I didn't plan very well and we got there late and had to leave early. I still in the 2 hours we were there learned a few things.

First I started the day with taking my kids to Mass. Cat and Steve are altar servers. These 8am masses can be seen as a burden, but I enjoy being "forced" to get up and go. I know I should make 8am masses a part of my regular routine, but I never seem to make it work. My kids service to church helps. Starting the day in prayer ought to make for a good day right?

Well we got home and Cat was cranky (she does not do well when you interrupt her sleep). We had breakfast and I asked Cat to go cool down in her room before we sort out our plans for the day. In need of space myself I retreated to the basement to work on some sewing projects. Whenever I sew my kids come and see what I am working on and ask questions.

Reflection 1 - What can be learned from sewing?
Cat had helped me make some neck pillows. When she began, I told her the first rule was to not worry about making mistakes. If it's a bad one we may have to start over but that's okay, because then you know better what to do. Most mistakes can be corrected along the way. Just keep going. When it's all done look back, what worked? what didn't work? what will you change?

Isn't that the way we should approach learning? Embrace your mistakes. Fail. Reflect. Try again. I feel as though teachers don't embrace failure as a good thing. Student's have too much pressure that they don't know how to fail. I'm not saying we should cheer a failing test grade. But if a student gets 10 math problems wrong in a row, can we not stop and say "Okay, something is missing. How can we fill in the gap?" rather than simply say, study harder you should have known those answers! Instead of allowing the child to feel bad about themselves, can we say it's okay, you can try again. Sure some accountability on the students part needs to exist, but it can't always be a pass fail mentality. I think there has to be a greater push on growth and success. That student will learn more and succeed if we stop and help them see their mistakes, embrace them, and learn from them.

As I was finishing up Cat came down to visit, she was frustrated because I allowed her brothers to help stuff some of the pillows (she wanted to do them all) while she was gone. I diverted and tasked her with logging her books for summer reading in preparation for a library trip.

Reflection 2 - Why I participate in the library summer program.
Every summer I truck my kids to the library. The select their books sometimes with reckless abandon, sometimes with great care. They run home and read logging their minutes as they go. The following week they return their books and grab the next stop. Before leaving they stop at the desk and ask for their prizes. Wait - What? Yep my library and most others bribe kids into summer reading. I don't know what the magic number is, but for every block of reading (we think it's between 1-2 hours) they get a prize. The prizes are crap, mike and ikes, silly putty, broken flashlights, stickers, etc but the kids love the crap they claim. They also stop at the puzzle desk to work through brain teasers for basket raffles.

I don't go for the bribes, but my kids do. See the thing is they are reading. I think it usually begins with them reading for the crap they will get, but in the end they read to see what will come of the story. Once the find the magic book they can't put it down. And that's why I am okay with the bribery. Because I'll come out of my room and find Stephen not watching TV but reading because he can't get enough of the story. I stopped caring if they are reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Captain Underpants, Little Women, or any other book. I only care that they are growing and learning through reading without even realizing it.

My kids school doesn't do required summer reading and I think I am okay with that. Books that are required are never as fun as books they want to read.

So, after I was done sewing for the day we had lunch. Then we packed up for the library and our hiking adventure. My first error of the day was thinking the library would go fast. It never does. After a while though they all had their books and prizes and we were ready to go.

Getting to Trexler Game Preserve was easy. Knowing what to do from there not so much. I have never hiked there and I looked at the website for five minutes before we left. Finding the main trail I asked the kids if they wanted to go left or right. As usual they were split 50/50. I elected go right, that meant uphill (and going back to the car would be downhill and easier later). Watching the clock we set off.

Right away each of my four kids had different reactions. The eldest decided she hates nature. The second child decided going uphill was the wrong choice (too much work). The third took off way ahead of us (as he always needs to be first). The fourth got deep. He begins to realize how beautiful the world is and how wrong it is to destroy the environment for cities. "Isn't it awful that we have taken away the animals homes to build cities?" Yep. I'm raising a nature hater (seriously, she walks past the recycling can to put paper in the trash), a lazy bum, a going-to-miss-the-world-because-he's-too-busy-trying-to-get-to-the-end-first kind of person, and a hippie.

We found a rest station, snacked up and discovered the park map. Realizing I'm running out of time and have no interest on staying on the 8.5 mile trail we turn back and head to car. I lead them to the Jordan Creek where they are free to stomp around in the water. Now they are all happy splashing in the water. After a time we head home so we can clean up and Cat and I head off to an appointment.

Later my kids pour over the copies of the map we brought home. They have already planned our next trip.

Reflection 3 - I could worry about the backslide for the upcoming school year. Will they remember their math facts? Will they remember how to write in cursive? Will they be ready in a few weeks to get back into the grind.

OR I can realize how much they are learning without text books and worksheets. My kids know how to read a map. One looked at the map and calculated how far we walked after we got home. They already started planning the next hike. They determined we should pack a lunch, and figured out the best way to carry said lunch so no one would get too tired.

My kids are learning. They are learning time management when they see how long things take and discuss the need to carve out more time for the activity. They are learning about the environment when they walk through a nature preserve, dump a bowl of waste in the composter, see the effects of rain on the house and in the yard. They are learning how to be adventurous in their reading, play, and other activities. They are growing in confidence when they jump off the diving board at the pool, ride their bike up and down the street, and create plays, videos or other pictures. They are learning people skills when deciding who gets to pick the next activity, dealing with an argument, or some other conflict arises.

They are learning by doing. And they are having fun. So they may need a refresher on handwriting, math, and other school tasks. But come September they will be smarter and wiser then they were in June. 

disaster in the kitchen.

I don't cook. and it's not for lack of effort. It's most because I am a walking disaster in the kitchen. I lack finesse.

Today's adventures in the kitchen are a true testament to that.

I love to garden. I love the satisfaction of eating something that I have grown. This past week I picked six ginormous alien shaped cucumbers. We can't eat them that fast so it's pickle time. Ironically, no one in the house except me eats pickles (and I don't really eat them that often). I wanted to take a short-cut and not do my traditional relish and just do sliced pickles.

When I told Paul my plan he warned me that I would need some vinegar. So this morning I checked the recipe one more time and put vinegar and onions on my list. Off to Walmart with my four children (who are not shoppers). I grab what I need and come home.

It's prep time. Cut cucumbers, cut onions cry like a baby. Seriously it took ten minutes for the sting to go away. Place cucumbers in a stainless pot with onions pickle salt (here I discover I don't have as much as I thought, I won't be able to do multiple batches: error 1) and water. Now I go get the canning pot. Have you ever seen a real canning pot? These things are ridiculously big.

. 
So I lug this thing out of hiding and start to prep. This is when I discover error #2. I don't have the right size jars for my project. Yup jar size matters. I have lots of quart jars no pint jars. Just some funky shaped jelly jars. They will have to do. Who wants a quart of pickles?

When I begin to prep the pickle spice is when I notice my real problem. I never bothered to check if we had enough spices. I have enough cucumbers for two batches, and enough supplies for one batch.

It's time to rewrite my plans. I can't let the cucumbers sit any longer. They are getting soft and soon will be unusable. So I make the first batch. I can hear them popping now! and the second set is brining now. I promised my darling monkeys a trip to the pool, what I haven't told them is that includes a detour to Walmart for more supplies.

Oh and one more thing: when the book says to only use stainless products it means it. Sorry Paul, I forgot about that and didn't realize we still don't have a metal ladle. Your ugly precious old ladle is now a lovely shade of pickle. And sorry about the mess I'm leaving you in the kitchen. I'll clean it up later, when I move on to phase two of the great pickle experiment.

What have I learned from this: I really need to plan better. 

life lessons.

Last week I had an epiphany. I realized that my kids learn best through experiences.

My uncle died at the beginning of the month. The I found out about it I drove out to be with my aunt and cousins. We told the kids about what happened and fielded all of the questions. One of them asked me "Why are you going to visit?" My response was "because it's what you do for your family."

It's the truth. Going to visit a grieving family member is what you do. I showed my family my love and compassion and at the same time I was showing my children how to be loving and compassionate. A few days later we went to the funeral, and again we were living examples to our children. My cousins asked me to read something at the cemetery.  Now doubt, it was hard, but I did it. I did it without thinking, because it's what you do.

My kids had an opportunity to see what it means to be a part of a big family. They saw what happens when you let love in. They saw the grief but they also saw the family support. The love.

Later that same week one of my best friends called me in a panic. I was in the car on the way to the movies with the kids and she needed a sitter because hers backed out at the last minute. When I got off the phone I told the kids the plans were changed. Not one of them complained.

Again I explained to them that this is what you do for your friends. This is what it means to be a good person. When someone needs you, you do what you can to help them. We responded to the call for help with joy and gratitude. I commended the kids later for being so accepting of the change in plans. I really was proud of them.

It wasn't until the end of the week that I reflected on all that was happening and I realized what we are doing for our kids. I don't think about these things on a daily basis. I just do them. I respond to the call to love on a daily basis. I want for my kids to do the same.

The only way that I can be sure that they will grow up to be good people is if I am a good person. We need to live a life of love in order to teach others how to do the same. It's not enough to just tell someone how to be good, you yourself have to be good as well.

I want for my kids to be selfless. I want for my children to grow up into good people. I want them to think nothing of bending over backwards for a friend of family member. I want them to say "it's what you do."

Begin the updates

February was the last time I posted on here. I haven't totally forgotten about my blog. I just allowed life to get in the way of leisure. Blogging is a leisure activity for me. The last year or so has been a crazy busy time for me and I have allowed myself to step away from an intense online presence to focus on the real world.

It's July now. In February I let loose with our growing troubles with my darling daughter Catherine. Six months have past since then and here is where we are:
We began counseling with Catherine in an attempt to get to the bottom of her anger. I wish I could say to right now that we have gotten there and everything is better.
It's not all better. What we can say is this: Catherine struggles to controll and express her emotions appropriately. We have seen improvements since we began the therapy process but we have miles to go.

The hardest part to all of this is trying to separate what are normal and appropriate reactions for a 9 year old and what extends beyond normal. Tantrums for two months strait? Not normal! We are happy to report that we are no longer fighting on a nightly basis. The second major challenge is shutting out the mean and awful things Catherine will say to us when she is "melting down." I have to constantly remind myself that in those moments that is not my daughter.

Catherine is and most likely always will be a hot tempered child. She will say mean things to get a reaction when she's frustrated. I will never accept that. She will always know that we cannot accept the nastiness. Standing our ground has been difficult and yet essential to our goal.

Catherine presents as a child with mood disorder (whatever that means). We will continue to work with professionals to help her learn to control the emotional roller coaster that she is on. We will stop at nothing to help her reach this goal.

I know this isn't much but this is all I'm willing to offer. Stay tuned maybe I'll give some more updates to make up for my long absence.

the moment of doubt

The day you find out your pregnant for the first time a million thoughts passes through your mind. In ten seconds you can go from elation to pure terror. In the months leading up to the birth you go through every possible emotion. Any mom who ever says they weren't scared is lying. We all go through it. We get excited. We get scared.

 The day the doctor placed my daughter in my arms I was over-joyed. I was excited beyond anything you can describe. But in the quiet moments when no one was around I looked at my daughter's face and thought "Holy shit, how are we going to do this?". There was never a constant fear. We trucked through our days praying and hoping we were "getting it right." But every now and again we have to wonder, how did we get here? How did we become the ones ultimately responsible for these people.

 It is my job to raise these four kids into adulthood. We all know that it's not just enough to get them to eighteen. We are responsible for what kind of person they will become. What we want for our children is for them to grow into strong independent adults. We want them to be able to make good decisions for themselves. We want for them to succeed in all things. We want for them to become saints. From day 1 I knew that. It scared the crap out of me and it still does. My constant prayer is that I get it right. That my husband and I make the right choices for our children until they are old enough to choose for themselves.

 I'm 99% sure that the key to being a good parent is confidence. I think it's okay that we don't always know what we are doing. I think a little bit of fear is healthy. But having confidence is key. So when your confidence is shaken what do you do? That's where I am today. Eight years I have been doing this. In all of this time I have never felt so utterly lost. I am unsure what the next move is, I cannot see the right answer. There were a lot of moments that I couldn't see coming. A hip brace for an infant, NICU time, twins, speech therapy, marathon illnesses, and many more not worth mentioning. All of these unforeseen moments come with the job. Each one I adjusted to. Each one Paul and I figured it out. We pushed through the highs and lows. Making decisions and moving forward.

So now, for the first time, Paul and I are at a loss. We don't know what to do. My daughter has been been having tantrums on a daily basis for almost two months. She cannot be told no or she will through a fit of epic proportions. It's like nothing we had ever seen before. We have always had our share of meltdowns, but lately is has escalated to a level that we can't handle. She has gone from a few protests and shouting matches to defiant and self destructive behavior. And it's all happening on a daily basis. My daughter, at eight years old, has spiraled out of control and I feel powerless to help her.

There is nothing worse than this feeling I have right now. That I have failed my daughter. Is this true? I know deep down that it is not. I can't help but wonder, what did we do wrong? Again, I know that I shouldn't blame myself for this. I don't blame Paul. But I am sure he is questioning himself the way I am questioning me. These are things we can't help.

We are seeking help. We would be failures if we didn't seek help. We would be failures if we just gave Catherine everything she wanted just to avoid the fit. I know all of that. But I'm still going to feel like a failure until everything gets better.

So I'm going to ask you to pray. Pray for me. For Paul. For Cat. For her brothers. Please Pray that we fix this. That we can find ways to make it better. That Catherine can learn how to handle her emotions. That we can find ways to help Catherine express herself in a safer and healthier way.

A quick rant.

Tiss the season... ...for sick kiddies. Do you know what's on the rise aside from flu? Pertussis. Do you know what your child can get immunized from beside the flu? Pertussis. Do you know what can't happen if you get immunized? Autism. Can you still get sick? Sure, but the chances are far less likely. Two years ago a friend of mine's daughter nearly died from the flu. She was three years old. A perfectly healthy little girl. She got sick. It got bad. She spent a week in a coma. She's fine now, but she's one of the lucky ones. There are two many kids who aren't so lucky. I do need to say that this friend was not an anti-vaccine person. She didn't put her child in harms way. It just happened. What makes me mad is people who willing do put their kids in harms way. They choose not to vaccinate. Which keeps diseases that should be eradicated around. What makes me angrier is that not only are they putting thierry own kids at risk but they are also putting all those they come in contact with at risk as well. I don't get all the science behind the argument. And quite frankly I don't care. I realize that some people can't get vaccinated because of some other medical issue. I don't blame them, in fact, I feel bad that they are out in such a difficult position. What burns me up are people who champion to stop vaccines from being mandated. People who believe vaccines are the cause of autism. People who are willing to put their kids at risk of serious illness for no good reason. I just don't get it.