teach the children well.

I'm on a parenting kick. So here's the next installment: Allowance and what it's good for.

Halfway through Catherine's first year of school our parish sent home a children's collection envelope. We decided that this would be a good time to start teaching Catherine about charitable giving as well as financial responsibility. She was five at the time so clearly she wasn't going to become a financial expert anytime soon, we just wanted to help her understand the value of money.

In general we are not in the habit of buying luxury items for our kids randomly. The two times a year our kids get "stuff" is birthdays and Christmas (and sometimes Easter). Throughout the year we will make sure that their needs are met, but new toys and treasures are a rare treat. This lifestyle does not prevent our children from wanting the world, it just teaches them that they can expect the world only on holidays.

At age 5 we decided that Catherine would get $.50 a week. I know that this isn't much, but it's enough for a five year old and over time it adds up. We had her put an additional $.50 in her church envelope. Every Sunday we would sit at the table and dole out the money. There were no strings attached to the allowance it was just given. Though we've never had a set chore list, there is an expectation that when we ask you to do a task you do it.

Overtime Catherine would have a build-up of money and that's when we would ask her what she wants to do with her money. There is no limit to what she can do with her allowance, we have always made that very clear. Most of the time Catherine uses hers for books. It gives her a sense of pride to take her hard-earned money and buy something that she really wants that we might otherwise pass up.

As Catherine has gotten older the allowance structure has changed a bit. She now earns $1 a week, and there are strings attached. Stephen is now earning money as well ($.50/week), no strings. Because Catherine is older she is more capable of understanding there are consequences to her actions she has the ability to lose part of her allowance if her behavior warrants it. If she acts up she is warned, if she doesn't change her behavior she loses $.25 at a time. We settle up every Sunday (and all four kids fill out church envelopes).

Giving our kids allowance has really helped them understand the value of things. Catherine sees the cost of things and really thinks about weather its worth emptying her bank. She loves to watch her bank fill up with money, and loves even more taking her money to buy something. Recently she was paging through the scholastic book club and was trying to decide what book she wanted to spend her money on, in the end we made a deal. There was a three book set that she wanted for $12 we made her put $4 in and we supplied the rest. When the books come in we keep two and she gets one. We will let her earn the other two (through good behavior/deeds) at a later date. Now she wants to save up money to buy American girl products. I'll admit, Stephen is less focused on saving and spending his money. He's been earning since September and has only bought one thing, at this point I'm guessing he has quite a bit of money saved up.

The second great lesson they are learning is being charitable. Every week they give money in their church envelopes. It's not a lot of money, but it's enough for them to understand what charity is. I try to explain to them that we are giving to the church in an effort to give back to God as a way of giving thanks for all of our blessings. In our times of need the Lord has always provided for us, and so it is only natural for us to give what we can when we can. We try to do this not only by giving money but by doing things for people. And when the kids ask why we are doing what we do, we explain to them that it is the right thing to do, and it's what Jesus wants of us.

I suppose what we have taught our kids has sunk in on some level because our kids are slowly showing a generous spirit from time to time. Last Monday I had the news on and footage of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan was on. Catherine was amazed (as was I) by the total devastation. After seeing what has happened she declared: I have to give up my allowance this week for these people. At that moment I could not be prouder, she didn't even hesitate. She sees a need greater than her own and has decided that she can do without for a week if it means helping someone else. We know $1 wont get very far, but for her $1 is what she has to give and that's all that matters.

Giving our kids allowance has been a good learning experience for us. Making them fill out church envelopes and filling them has also been a good instructional tool. Both have given us the opportunity to teach our kids about the value of money, goods and generosity. I know that we are not giving our kids a lot of money each week but that's not really the point. The point of the exercise is to teach them how to save not to allow them to get the things they want faster. As they get older we may have to increase their earnings but with that will come more responsibility on their part. For now what they get is enough for them, and for us too. 

another chapter in my parenting book.

A while back I talked about what I would write if I were going to write a book. Lately I have been thinking about other aspects of parenting so I thought I'd give you another installment. This chapter would be called:

Give them an Inch, let them run the Mile

Just this past weekend we bought the kids a new swing set. It took us the whole week to build the thing and all of us were very excited when it was complete. It was a big purchase for us but it was also an investment. We knew that we would be getting our money's worth.

One thing I learned very early in parenthood is how to let your children play. Taking advice from experienced friends, I simply let my kids go. I learned to let them explore their limits. Test the ground they walk on.

By the time my kids were 3 I let them go outside unsupervised. I'll admit that until the youngest were 3 they had a fenced in back yard. But our new home does not have a fence around the property, and I feel no need to change that. At 3 my kids were able to understand boundaries, if I tell them to stay within a certain area, for the most part they listen. Now, my youngest are 4 years old and I very rarely go outside to watch them play.

The rules of the house are stay in the back yard. We have a giant boulder out front that they think is a great rock to climb and sword fight. Every now and then I catch them out there and chase them to the back yard. But for the most part my kids will play freely out back, without parental supervision. This is a great tool for me. It allows me to get so much done without having the kids hover over me.

When the kids are outside I try to make sure that they are not alone (which very rarely happens anyway). I also do keep an eye on them. I don't watch every move but I make a point to check on them every few minutes. If I can't keep windows open to listen out for them I will usually keep my activity to the first floor where I can see them the best.

The point is that I have taught them to play without me. And I have taught myself to let them go. So how did I do it? How did I get to the point where I am now? Which is to say, I can tell my kids to go play and they almost always do. They do not come to me to ask for entertainment. They can play outside for hours (even before we got them the swing set). How did I get here?

It's rather simple.

• When they are infants you have to put them down. Leave them in a safe place and walk away. Give them a few toys to play with and let them go. When they cry (for attention) don't rush to their side give them a moment to try and figure out how to solve their own problem. 
• When they are toddlers you have to let them explore safely. Don't follow behind them every step. Again, make sure they are safe, but give them distance and freedom to test their independence. Leave them alone to play while you go do something else for a moment. For me I would leave the babes in a gated room and go throw a load of laundry in the wash. I would be gone for no more than five minutes at a time. This is just enough time for them to learn how to play. 
• When my kids were around 2 years old I started leaving them in the back yard by themselves. I would walk in the house and stay out of sight for five  minutes, then I would re-appear. If they are playing safely I would let them go. If they were getting into trouble I would stop them and go again. Rarely did I ever try to solve their boredom (that is how they learn to play).
• As they grow from toddlers to pre-schoolers I would give them more space. Less supervision, more trust. When they come to me because they are bored I send them away. 
• If the weather is clear they are required to go outside for at least 1 hour. Otherwise they have a playroom at their disposal. 

I am almost certain that a playroom is required for happy kids. It doesn't have to be a room that is only theirs. But I do think that kids do need a space that is theirs where they are free to play and explore. They need freedom. My kids playroom for years was my living room. During the day it was their space and at the end of the day the toys were put away, the kids were put in bed and it was our living room again. It took us a long time to be able to give our kids a room that was all theirs and not shared by us. Again, when this finally happened everybody in the house was happy. 

My point is this: Children need to play. Parents need to let their kids play. When you allow your children to play freely everybody wins. Your children will learn to develop an imagination, and you will learn to relax while your child is soaking up life. 

On Friday after I attached the final piece onto the swing set I finished all of my household chores. My older kids came home from school and were so excited to finally play on the new swing set. I popped a bag of pop-corn (btw all four of my kids can make pop-corn unsupervised because I taught them how to;) and sat and read a book. That's what letting your kids play can give you, a moment to rest... 

the book I'll never write.

If I wrote a book it would be a parenting book. Which is ironic because I don't read parenting books. If I did read parenting books I would read the ones that are most popular just to see what all the buzz is about. Like the tiger mother book, it sounds like a fascinating story. The controversy around it is just as fascinating. I don't read parenting books because I don't believe in their basic purpose. To tell people how to parent. I don't want someone to tell me what I am doing is wrong. I want to figure it out for myself.
The tiger mother book is a memoir and maybe I'll read it some day. If I would write a book it would be a memoir. Not a how to. But a how I...

Today's lesson is how I fight boredom.

We live in the North East. Look outside and there is about 12 inches of snow on the ground and more coming this week. So far it has snowed about 2-3 inches every few days. Last week we got closer to 6 inches in one day. Now I don't think this is a whole lot but our school district does and they keep closing school over these small storms.

We have had lots of needless snow days which means my kids have been home more than necessary. And after a while the shine of being home wears off. At one point a scheduled three day weekend turned into a five day weekend. The kids were going crazy (as was I). Being on a tight budget and not willing to take them many places I needed to come up with ways to keep them happy on these extended days home.

We have a secret weapon and we call it Play-doh. First of all I hate play-doh. I hate the way it smells. I hate the way it feels. But the kids love it. And they will play it for hours. Years ago we got this huge bin and its loaded with all kinds of tools. We keep it hidden from the kids. They almost never play with it. So when we got to day three of our unplanned five day weekend I broke out the playdoh. And the kids went nuts.

We have one play-doh rule. Keep in the kitchen. It can get mixed. It can fall to the floor. I don't care what they do as long as they keep it in the kitchen. I clear the table and they go to town. They played in harmony for an hour straight. Then one by one they came to me with their smelly little hands declaring they were done. I told them to put lids on the containers wash their hands and go play. At the end of it all I make sure the remaining containers are sealed tightly the tools are put away and I re-hide the box. I sweep up the stuff the fell to the ground. Wipe down the table and it's done.

Play-doh is cheap. I don't care if it gets mixed or if some of it falls to the ground and dries up. All I care about is that it occupied my bored kids for one solid hour. The toys in their playroom can't always do that because they see them every day. Having a secret toy can.

As your children get older your secret toys can get more complicated (if you are brave mom).

1. Pearler beads is one that I love but it is not one you can have around with crawling children. Though a tip to contain the mess is to use cookie sheets as work stations (actually that works for most art projects, I went and bought the cheapest cookie sheets I could and when the kids want to do a project that involves many parts I pull out the sheets as a work station they are portable so I can clear the table for meals and such while letting the project dry or whatever). 
2. Crayola Color Wonder I have used the markers at doctors offices. I have used the paints at home. I don't like the paints. They are a waxy slimy mess but the markers are harmless and the kids find it fun. The pictures don't last forever eventually they fade. This does get expensive because you need the special paper to make it work. 
3. Finger Paint/Water Colors - (no need for a link here). Buy a roll of butcher paper or a giant pack of construction paper and let them have it. 

The list of secret toys can be endless. The point is that it is something that you don't play with regularly. Something that is a treat to have out. New toys are shiny and will hold a child's attention longer than an old toy. Simply hiding a toy and taking it out on a rare occasion makes an old toy feel like a new toy again and again.

The other key to the secret toy is to give your child more freedom than normal. All of the things I listed above require no adult supervision if used in the right setting. When you let your child be free they are happier and they can explore. I'm not saying let them see what happens if they shove play-doh in the toaster, I'm saying don't freak out if they drop it on the floor or if they even put a bit in their mouth (do freak out if they try to eat a whole play-doh sand-which). Give them boundaries but allow them to breathe a bit. Make it feel like they are doing something special.