another chapter in my parenting book.

A while back I talked about what I would write if I were going to write a book. Lately I have been thinking about other aspects of parenting so I thought I'd give you another installment. This chapter would be called:

Give them an Inch, let them run the Mile

Just this past weekend we bought the kids a new swing set. It took us the whole week to build the thing and all of us were very excited when it was complete. It was a big purchase for us but it was also an investment. We knew that we would be getting our money's worth.

One thing I learned very early in parenthood is how to let your children play. Taking advice from experienced friends, I simply let my kids go. I learned to let them explore their limits. Test the ground they walk on.

By the time my kids were 3 I let them go outside unsupervised. I'll admit that until the youngest were 3 they had a fenced in back yard. But our new home does not have a fence around the property, and I feel no need to change that. At 3 my kids were able to understand boundaries, if I tell them to stay within a certain area, for the most part they listen. Now, my youngest are 4 years old and I very rarely go outside to watch them play.

The rules of the house are stay in the back yard. We have a giant boulder out front that they think is a great rock to climb and sword fight. Every now and then I catch them out there and chase them to the back yard. But for the most part my kids will play freely out back, without parental supervision. This is a great tool for me. It allows me to get so much done without having the kids hover over me.

When the kids are outside I try to make sure that they are not alone (which very rarely happens anyway). I also do keep an eye on them. I don't watch every move but I make a point to check on them every few minutes. If I can't keep windows open to listen out for them I will usually keep my activity to the first floor where I can see them the best.

The point is that I have taught them to play without me. And I have taught myself to let them go. So how did I do it? How did I get to the point where I am now? Which is to say, I can tell my kids to go play and they almost always do. They do not come to me to ask for entertainment. They can play outside for hours (even before we got them the swing set). How did I get here?

It's rather simple.

• When they are infants you have to put them down. Leave them in a safe place and walk away. Give them a few toys to play with and let them go. When they cry (for attention) don't rush to their side give them a moment to try and figure out how to solve their own problem. 
• When they are toddlers you have to let them explore safely. Don't follow behind them every step. Again, make sure they are safe, but give them distance and freedom to test their independence. Leave them alone to play while you go do something else for a moment. For me I would leave the babes in a gated room and go throw a load of laundry in the wash. I would be gone for no more than five minutes at a time. This is just enough time for them to learn how to play. 
• When my kids were around 2 years old I started leaving them in the back yard by themselves. I would walk in the house and stay out of sight for five  minutes, then I would re-appear. If they are playing safely I would let them go. If they were getting into trouble I would stop them and go again. Rarely did I ever try to solve their boredom (that is how they learn to play).
• As they grow from toddlers to pre-schoolers I would give them more space. Less supervision, more trust. When they come to me because they are bored I send them away. 
• If the weather is clear they are required to go outside for at least 1 hour. Otherwise they have a playroom at their disposal. 

I am almost certain that a playroom is required for happy kids. It doesn't have to be a room that is only theirs. But I do think that kids do need a space that is theirs where they are free to play and explore. They need freedom. My kids playroom for years was my living room. During the day it was their space and at the end of the day the toys were put away, the kids were put in bed and it was our living room again. It took us a long time to be able to give our kids a room that was all theirs and not shared by us. Again, when this finally happened everybody in the house was happy. 

My point is this: Children need to play. Parents need to let their kids play. When you allow your children to play freely everybody wins. Your children will learn to develop an imagination, and you will learn to relax while your child is soaking up life. 

On Friday after I attached the final piece onto the swing set I finished all of my household chores. My older kids came home from school and were so excited to finally play on the new swing set. I popped a bag of pop-corn (btw all four of my kids can make pop-corn unsupervised because I taught them how to;) and sat and read a book. That's what letting your kids play can give you, a moment to rest...