disaster in the kitchen.

I don't cook. and it's not for lack of effort. It's most because I am a walking disaster in the kitchen. I lack finesse.

Today's adventures in the kitchen are a true testament to that.

I love to garden. I love the satisfaction of eating something that I have grown. This past week I picked six ginormous alien shaped cucumbers. We can't eat them that fast so it's pickle time. Ironically, no one in the house except me eats pickles (and I don't really eat them that often). I wanted to take a short-cut and not do my traditional relish and just do sliced pickles.

When I told Paul my plan he warned me that I would need some vinegar. So this morning I checked the recipe one more time and put vinegar and onions on my list. Off to Walmart with my four children (who are not shoppers). I grab what I need and come home.

It's prep time. Cut cucumbers, cut onions cry like a baby. Seriously it took ten minutes for the sting to go away. Place cucumbers in a stainless pot with onions pickle salt (here I discover I don't have as much as I thought, I won't be able to do multiple batches: error 1) and water. Now I go get the canning pot. Have you ever seen a real canning pot? These things are ridiculously big.

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So I lug this thing out of hiding and start to prep. This is when I discover error #2. I don't have the right size jars for my project. Yup jar size matters. I have lots of quart jars no pint jars. Just some funky shaped jelly jars. They will have to do. Who wants a quart of pickles?

When I begin to prep the pickle spice is when I notice my real problem. I never bothered to check if we had enough spices. I have enough cucumbers for two batches, and enough supplies for one batch.

It's time to rewrite my plans. I can't let the cucumbers sit any longer. They are getting soft and soon will be unusable. So I make the first batch. I can hear them popping now! and the second set is brining now. I promised my darling monkeys a trip to the pool, what I haven't told them is that includes a detour to Walmart for more supplies.

Oh and one more thing: when the book says to only use stainless products it means it. Sorry Paul, I forgot about that and didn't realize we still don't have a metal ladle. Your ugly precious old ladle is now a lovely shade of pickle. And sorry about the mess I'm leaving you in the kitchen. I'll clean it up later, when I move on to phase two of the great pickle experiment.

What have I learned from this: I really need to plan better. 

life lessons.

Last week I had an epiphany. I realized that my kids learn best through experiences.

My uncle died at the beginning of the month. The I found out about it I drove out to be with my aunt and cousins. We told the kids about what happened and fielded all of the questions. One of them asked me "Why are you going to visit?" My response was "because it's what you do for your family."

It's the truth. Going to visit a grieving family member is what you do. I showed my family my love and compassion and at the same time I was showing my children how to be loving and compassionate. A few days later we went to the funeral, and again we were living examples to our children. My cousins asked me to read something at the cemetery.  Now doubt, it was hard, but I did it. I did it without thinking, because it's what you do.

My kids had an opportunity to see what it means to be a part of a big family. They saw what happens when you let love in. They saw the grief but they also saw the family support. The love.

Later that same week one of my best friends called me in a panic. I was in the car on the way to the movies with the kids and she needed a sitter because hers backed out at the last minute. When I got off the phone I told the kids the plans were changed. Not one of them complained.

Again I explained to them that this is what you do for your friends. This is what it means to be a good person. When someone needs you, you do what you can to help them. We responded to the call for help with joy and gratitude. I commended the kids later for being so accepting of the change in plans. I really was proud of them.

It wasn't until the end of the week that I reflected on all that was happening and I realized what we are doing for our kids. I don't think about these things on a daily basis. I just do them. I respond to the call to love on a daily basis. I want for my kids to do the same.

The only way that I can be sure that they will grow up to be good people is if I am a good person. We need to live a life of love in order to teach others how to do the same. It's not enough to just tell someone how to be good, you yourself have to be good as well.

I want for my kids to be selfless. I want for my children to grow up into good people. I want them to think nothing of bending over backwards for a friend of family member. I want them to say "it's what you do."

Begin the updates

February was the last time I posted on here. I haven't totally forgotten about my blog. I just allowed life to get in the way of leisure. Blogging is a leisure activity for me. The last year or so has been a crazy busy time for me and I have allowed myself to step away from an intense online presence to focus on the real world.

It's July now. In February I let loose with our growing troubles with my darling daughter Catherine. Six months have past since then and here is where we are:
We began counseling with Catherine in an attempt to get to the bottom of her anger. I wish I could say to right now that we have gotten there and everything is better.
It's not all better. What we can say is this: Catherine struggles to controll and express her emotions appropriately. We have seen improvements since we began the therapy process but we have miles to go.

The hardest part to all of this is trying to separate what are normal and appropriate reactions for a 9 year old and what extends beyond normal. Tantrums for two months strait? Not normal! We are happy to report that we are no longer fighting on a nightly basis. The second major challenge is shutting out the mean and awful things Catherine will say to us when she is "melting down." I have to constantly remind myself that in those moments that is not my daughter.

Catherine is and most likely always will be a hot tempered child. She will say mean things to get a reaction when she's frustrated. I will never accept that. She will always know that we cannot accept the nastiness. Standing our ground has been difficult and yet essential to our goal.

Catherine presents as a child with mood disorder (whatever that means). We will continue to work with professionals to help her learn to control the emotional roller coaster that she is on. We will stop at nothing to help her reach this goal.

I know this isn't much but this is all I'm willing to offer. Stay tuned maybe I'll give some more updates to make up for my long absence.

the moment of doubt

The day you find out your pregnant for the first time a million thoughts passes through your mind. In ten seconds you can go from elation to pure terror. In the months leading up to the birth you go through every possible emotion. Any mom who ever says they weren't scared is lying. We all go through it. We get excited. We get scared.

 The day the doctor placed my daughter in my arms I was over-joyed. I was excited beyond anything you can describe. But in the quiet moments when no one was around I looked at my daughter's face and thought "Holy shit, how are we going to do this?". There was never a constant fear. We trucked through our days praying and hoping we were "getting it right." But every now and again we have to wonder, how did we get here? How did we become the ones ultimately responsible for these people.

 It is my job to raise these four kids into adulthood. We all know that it's not just enough to get them to eighteen. We are responsible for what kind of person they will become. What we want for our children is for them to grow into strong independent adults. We want them to be able to make good decisions for themselves. We want for them to succeed in all things. We want for them to become saints. From day 1 I knew that. It scared the crap out of me and it still does. My constant prayer is that I get it right. That my husband and I make the right choices for our children until they are old enough to choose for themselves.

 I'm 99% sure that the key to being a good parent is confidence. I think it's okay that we don't always know what we are doing. I think a little bit of fear is healthy. But having confidence is key. So when your confidence is shaken what do you do? That's where I am today. Eight years I have been doing this. In all of this time I have never felt so utterly lost. I am unsure what the next move is, I cannot see the right answer. There were a lot of moments that I couldn't see coming. A hip brace for an infant, NICU time, twins, speech therapy, marathon illnesses, and many more not worth mentioning. All of these unforeseen moments come with the job. Each one I adjusted to. Each one Paul and I figured it out. We pushed through the highs and lows. Making decisions and moving forward.

So now, for the first time, Paul and I are at a loss. We don't know what to do. My daughter has been been having tantrums on a daily basis for almost two months. She cannot be told no or she will through a fit of epic proportions. It's like nothing we had ever seen before. We have always had our share of meltdowns, but lately is has escalated to a level that we can't handle. She has gone from a few protests and shouting matches to defiant and self destructive behavior. And it's all happening on a daily basis. My daughter, at eight years old, has spiraled out of control and I feel powerless to help her.

There is nothing worse than this feeling I have right now. That I have failed my daughter. Is this true? I know deep down that it is not. I can't help but wonder, what did we do wrong? Again, I know that I shouldn't blame myself for this. I don't blame Paul. But I am sure he is questioning himself the way I am questioning me. These are things we can't help.

We are seeking help. We would be failures if we didn't seek help. We would be failures if we just gave Catherine everything she wanted just to avoid the fit. I know all of that. But I'm still going to feel like a failure until everything gets better.

So I'm going to ask you to pray. Pray for me. For Paul. For Cat. For her brothers. Please Pray that we fix this. That we can find ways to make it better. That Catherine can learn how to handle her emotions. That we can find ways to help Catherine express herself in a safer and healthier way.