The blaming game.

My daughter is currently preparing for the sacrament of first Penance. She will be receiving the sacrament in December. Part of her preparation is to learn about sin. As an adult, I don't give this subject much thought of course I understand what is a sin and what is not. But my daughter is 7, her understanding of sin is much different. 

Since my kids were babies we have taught them right from wrong. Before they could speak they understood what the word "no" meant. For a baby right from wrong is really what is safe versus what isn't safe. Think about it, most of our no's relate to keeping baby safe. 

No don't climb the stairs

No don't eat food from the floor (that's a lie I don't think I ever said that)

No don't walk into the street

No don't walk away from me

No don't touch sharp/breakable objects

As they get bigger we stem from safety to more behavioral things.

Don't throw your food on the floor

Don't take from brother or sister

No shouting inside or at a store

The experts tell us not to fill our children's heads with only negatives, focus on positives. Those lessons are also part of discipline. 

Saying please and thank you.

Put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket. 

Pick up your toys.

We start to teach our kids right from wrong very early on. And when they reach a certain age they become more capable of making choices. How many times have you said no and your child looks at you and does the thing anyway? Somewhere around age 1 or 2 our children decide it's time to test their boundaries. They choose not to listen to us, and now we have to step up and respond appropriately. A two year old doesn't know he is sinning he only wants to know what will happen if he doesn't listen. 

So our teaching our children right from wrong includes punishments and positive reinforcements. I have done it all.

Hand slaps

Butt spankings

Time outs

Take away privileges (including toys)

Thanked them for doing a good job

Rewarded them for extra good behavior

It seams to me that children progress in their understanding of right from wrong with age. As they get older they become more capable of understanding actions versus reactions. They learn that if they run into the street they will not be allowed outside for a while. If they don't clean up they will not be allowed to play with toys for a while. Every choice has its reward. The tricky part is when they don't care about the consequences that come with their choices (this is what makes parenting such a roller coaster). 

Back to my daughter... At age seven she is learning about choices. Her religion text has reviewed with her the difference between choice and accident. Did someone choose to hurt you or was it an accident? This is one of the key components to sin: Choice. Sin is a choice to do something that is wrong. She is learning how to think about what she is going to do before she does it. What a lesson we all must practice daily! Sin comes in many shapes and sizes. Sin happens upon deep thought, and impulsive actions too. 

Now that she understands that sin is a choice, she gets into the next lesson: Forgiveness. Realizing your sin and asking for forgiveness then making the promise to sin no more. She is learning about accepting responsibility for her own actions. And that is what I really want to talk about.

Catherine is an emotional little girl. She runs hot and cold, very rarely is she anything in between. She challenges me on a daily basis. My family and friends always rave about how wonderful Catherine is, I often get complimented on her sweet nature. All of these things are true. She is sweet and wonderful and full of excitement. However (you knew this was coming), when she is at home she can be quite the opposite of sweet and wonderful. She fights and throws fits with the best of them. At times I am at a loss as to how to handle her outbursts. Most days she sent to her room where she will shout and carry on for upwards of 30 minutes (Her worst moment lasted an entire day off and on). 

Now that she is learning about sin and choices I attempt to use these outbursts as teaching moments: 

Do you realize you are making a bad choice right now?

Talking to me this way is a sin. 

It breaks the commandments when you behave in this manner. 

You get the idea. Sometimes I jump in a shout right back at her, then I realize that this is only leading to failure and so I step back and wait for the storm to pass. When it does it's time to sit and talk about what is really going on. The inevitable question: How did we get here?  In a calmed state I often try to talk to Catherine about the choices she made that got her into trouble in the first place. The biggest obstacle that she faces is her inability to accept responsibility for her actions. 

If you didn't do this... If Stephen/David/Joshua didn't say... She wants to place the blame on somebody else. It couldn't possibly be her fault. 

This past weekend she had a friend come over to play. Before her friend came over we talked to Catherine about her room. We told her that at the end of the day it would be her responsibility to clean up the room (no matter how messy it got), and that she should think about that when choosing what to take out and play with. Sure enough the two girls played the day away and after K went home for the night Catherine's room was a total disaster. And as soon as we sent Catherine in there to clean up the mess the fight began. In the midst of the clean-up she was angry. She blamed K for wanting to play with her things. She said she never wanted K to come over to play ever again. I go in there as calm as I can and remind her that this is what we talked about before she came over. 

The thing is, that if Catherine admits that the messy room is her doing than she has to suck it up and clean it herself. If she can somehow convince me that it wasn't her doing than maybe I'll take pity on her and clean with her. In the end, we win and her room is clean... but we didn't win just yet. The real problem wasn't the mess, it was the fact that she can't take responsibility for it. I see this becoming a life-long struggle. 

Blaming someone else for our wrong choices goes back to Adam and Eve. Think about it. The Lord asks Adam, who told you to eat the fruit? Adam replies, Eve. The Lord asks Eve, who told you to eat the fruit? Eve replies, the serpent. They were so afraid to face the Lord and his punishment that they thought it would be better if it wasn't their fault. 

One of the many lessons revealed in the Adam and Eve story is that you can't hide behind blame. Sin is about making choices and when you choose to do something that is wrong when you know that it's wrong you are sinning. 

So, day to day we have to explain this to Catherine. It wasn't her friends fault that she was having a meltdown about cleaning her room. That was her own choosing. Yes she had help making a big mess, but she wasn't in trouble for making the mess. She was in trouble for fussing about cleaning the mess. It was Catherine that choose to make a big deal about cleaning. She started talking back to us and refusing to do her job. But in her mind, she shouldn't have to clean up a mess that wasn't her fault in the first place. See? Back to the blame. It wasn't my fault. 

But that's rarely true. The sins we commit are always our fault. We can't blame anyone else but ourselves. or can we? Can we blame the serpent? After all, he does make the fruit so enticing. Didn't he tell Eve that God mislead her? He made that fruit seem like the best idea in the world. Maybe it was the serpents fault? or maybe... Eve still had a choice to make. At the end of the day she gave into temptation. And so do we. I know it's a terrible idea to keep eating the chocolate, but I still do it. I'm giving in. No one is making me eat the chocolate. No one is forcing me. If I am forced then it's not a choice. I have to live by my choices. And I can't blame anyone else for my mistakes. I need to own them. I need to teach my children to own their mistakes. 

Maybe this seams like an uphill battle. On some level it is. Week after week I have the same conversations with my daughter, and soon I'm sure I will have them with my sons. I can't stop having these conversations. I can't stop demanding nothing but the best from my sons and daughter. I must teach them again and again to own their sins, seek forgiveness for them, and work to commit them no more. 

It drives me crazy that they blame other people for their wrong doings, and I will work tirelessly to show them that it just won't work.