Thoughts in progress

In my blogging I have about 10 posts that I have started and not completed. I'm starting this one today, and I am going to post it in it's incompleteness (is that a word?).

Today I have this nagging feeling that I am nothing more than ordinary. Isn't that just awful?

That thought made me think of something else... 8 years ago I was winding up my spring semester at DeSales. I was preparing to graduate and at the end of the coming summer I would get married. I got married August 2002 and started working at Cardinal Brennan Jr/Sr HS two weeks after I married. Then by October I found out I was pregnant and the following May my daughter was born. That June we bought our first house.

So in 13 months time I graduated college, got married, moved from Paul's bachelor pad to a new apartment, started working a real job, had a baby, and bought a house. A whirlwind of a year to say the least.

It was either that first year or the second year at CB that one of my fellow teachers was griping about her idealistic daughter, who was at-risk of falling in love and wanting to marry. She went on to explain that she wouldn't deal with her daughter getting married so young and having kids right away. She simply couldn't allow for her daughter to be so foolish. After a while, I dared ask her how old her daughter was it turns out she was 24 (I think). At the time I was 23. So boldly I asked, Does that mean that I am foolish? This teacher stood up from the lunch table looked at me and said, absolutely! And then she left the room.

So was I a fool?

(to be continued, I have to take Son #1 to pre-school)

(several months later)

I will always feel sad for people who judge so harshly. I wasn't a fool. I am not a fool. well.... maybe sometimes. But when it comes to the decisions I have made that have landed me here. I don't regret a single one of them.

I'm going to be 30 next month. For some strange reason this is hitting me really hard. My sister-in-law spoke encouraging words saying how much she has loved the last 5 years of her life and they were so much better than her 20's.

My problem is I rocked it in my 20's I got married and had 4 awesome kids. She's doing all of that now in her 30's. I don't regret not waiting (and I don't guess she regrets waiting).

So that ordinary feeling continues to haunt me. I resist saying "I'm just a mom." But there are days where that's all I feel I am. Like today. I'm feeling it.

My name is ....

Mom
Stephen will say my name until I answer him verbally with a "what." He will say Mom about 100 times if that's what it takes. Then he will share his story with me.
At bedtime I whisper I love you to each of my children. Most of the time they come back with "I love you too Mom."
I love that name. I love hearing it from my children. I don't vividly remember the first time each of my kids said it, but I recall that feeling it gave me. The "yes, I am your mom, and it feels good to know that," feeling.

Being a mom is hard. You could have told me that before I had my first and it wouldn't have stopped me. It's one of those things that you have to experience to understand. I describe to you all of the challenges I have faced and will continue to face, but you won't/can't get it until you are facing them yourself. Yes, being a mom is hard. It takes a lot of sacrifice.

I am a mom... That realization still shocks me from time to time. I'm sitting there surrounded by four lovely kids and they are all calling me MOM.

October 2002: After being married on two months we find out that we are pregnant. Oh wow! The next several months are a whirlwind of excitement and anticipation.

May 17, 2003: After having contractions all night we called the Dr who said we should get ready to go to the hospital. I look at Paul and say: Okay, now I'm nervous.

It's true, I wasn't nervous one bit until it the moment had arrived. Until that moment all I had were some alien movements in my grotesquely misshapen body. I didn't have a fairytale reaction to pregnancy. I didn't coo over my growing tummy, I didn't cry over the ultrasound photos, I didn't talk to my belly thinking about my babe. I just rode the waves. I traveled through it and until the last 3 weeks I had zero complications. For me, it was just another day... But then that fateful moment arrived. A child was coming out of me and I was going to be its mother. Now, I'm scared.

May 18, 2003 3:30 am: My daughter Catherine arrived. She is mine to hold. Mine to care for. My responsibility. I am her mother, and no one else can lay claim to her.

As I said, I don't remember the day she or any of her brothers first said "mom." But that doesn't really matter now does it? They know who I am long before they can say it. Those late nights when we just gaze at each other through feedings. I'm not just a women with a bottle, I am their comfort. No one can calm my babe the way I can. How about when their eyes follow you around the room? Or when they cry when you step out of their field of vision? Yes, they know I am mother, long before they can say it.

And now, with my kids at 3s, 4, and 6 they can say it. Most of the time I hear my name in the most ordinary of fashions.

Mom, I'm hungry?

Mom!? Where are you?

Mom, can we watch a movie?

Then there's the whine...

mooooooom, I want....

mooooooooooom, can you please let me....

Sometimes they are mad.

But mom, that's not fair.

But mom I wanna

MOM!

Yup, it starts early and continues on. I have yet to hear "I hate you," and I pray for strength to handle it if that day comes. I also pray that my kids never feel the need to say it. Yes, they will be angry at me. Yes, we will fight. Yes, they will love me for it all.

Those bad days are minimal compared to the good ones. The good ones are filled with laughter and joy and affection (verbal and physical).

I marvel at being a mom... the power bestowed on me... the trust given... I have four souls to form... for beauties to love... to nurture.... I am a mom... and will be one until death...

(Disclaimer: I feel exclusive when writing this but only because I can't think and feel for my husband. When talking about the connectivity shared between my and my children I don't intend to exclude Paul. From my point of view he is as every bit as connected to our children as I am. Those late nights with infants? I didn't do them on my own. We took turns. When I say I am the only one who could comfort my child, really that includes Paul too. In fact, (here's a first confession) when the twins were born I felt a total disconnect from David. Josh nursed and Dave didn't so Paul took on D while I took on J for the night feeds (and daytime when he was home). David cried for months and it was Paul that stayed up with him, night after night. ANYWAY, these thoughts are mine on motherhood but I dare not say any of this to detract away from the beauty of fatherhood)

St. David's Day, St. Stephen and Jonah

What do these three things have in common? In most circles they have nothing to do with each other (unless you can prove me wrong). In my world it's what's shouting at me today.
First, on Facebook a friend of mine posted that it's St. David's day. Did I read the post? Nope. She posted from wikipedia and I can't read that website. Infact, for some reason I have major issues reading most things off of the computer screen (and I want an e-reader...). I think it's because of all of the extra jargon thrown in on websites. Wiki, for example, is filled with blue links, and side bars, and it is far too jumpy for me. The more crap on the page the less I can read it. ANYWAY, I have a Butler's here on my desk so I think I will explore St. David today (being that my son is David, though his name inspiration came from the OT David).
I almost grabbed my Butler's to look for inspiration for a Blog post when The Bible jumped into my hands instead. This edition is not my well used on and only has one holy card in it, which happens to be St. Stephen. And St. Stephen is sitting in Jonah.
SO I opened the Bible and landed on this:
Out of my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me; From the midst of the nether world I cried for help, and you heard my voice.
Hi God, how are you?
Sounds like your hearing me. Thanks for that.

To be honest... I am not feeling true distress. or maybe I am and just don't realize it. It's this whole selling the house thing.. It's getting to me already. Tomorrow will make 1 month that we've been on the market. We have had quite a few showings but no offers. I really want to get this done. I really want this house to be sold. I want to move on from here. I want the next house. I want the next chapter. I want to think about going back to work (which I won't do until after moving). I want to move on and I am feeling a bit stuck.
Last night I was looking at paint colors to paint the kitchen. I don't want to do it. Not because I like the current colors. I hate what I did to the kitchen. It's bright orange and yellow (which apparently is getting trendy?). I just don't want to put forth such a huge effort on a place I am trying to leave. And just what if I spend hours painting and someone buys the house and then repaints it anyway! How frustrating! Really, I don't want to do all this work for someone else to enjoy (or not).
And in the spirit of honesty, i don't want to take on this huge project by myself. Paul is not much of a painter, and I don't have anyone that I can ask to help. And really I need help in two places. 1. someone to take the kids and 2 someone to help with the painting. My kitchen is hugeish. There are lots of cabinets. Lot's of cleaning, sanding, priming, and painting. I'm burned out just thinking of it.
It's just too much. I really just need someone to go ahead and make an offer on the house before I start this painful process of painting...
So maybe I am stressed. God hears me... But I think I need to hear Him and let Him guide me on the right decision.

The Death of Winter leads to the promise of Spring

Winter at times can be beautiful. Fresh snow on the ground covering the trees and streets. It's quiet and peaceful. Give that snow fall a day or two and the ugly happens.
The snow becomes black with car gunk. The trees are splotchy at best. Overall it's rather unattractive. When you look at a photographers work do you ever see a snow scene with muddy snow? It's usually late February early March that I am done with winter. This winter we have had more snow than we've seen in a long time. I was holed up for almost a week because of delays and cancellations due to weather. The first day or two was fun, but after that it stopped being fun.
I love when winter first breaks. The first time you step outside and realize you need the heavy jacket. I enjoy the bundling up and multiple layers of clothing. More than anything it's the change that I crave and love. It is certain that I could never live in an area that doesn't see each of the four seasons equally. I get tired of my routines and every few months I feel the need to change it up.
I used to drive my mom crazy in high school because every few months I would rearrange my bedroom furniture. Why? Because I needed the change.
I don't rearrange rooms anymore. I find it too difficult in this house. But I do still feel the need for change from time to time. The changing of seasons offers that change for me. Each season brings its own activity. Though I have to say the winter is the hardest to get through. It's all indoors all the time. I do find crafting enjoyable but with this whole house selling thing I have put them on hold. I don't like to have to take things out and get set up and then clear the space before I am done. Especially because I have to start and stop working so often throughout the day. So here I am in Winter and it's ugly outside. And I don't have much to do except clean (bleh). It's not fun anymore. It's not new.
I do love Lent because it begins in this dead space of winter and ends at the birth of spring. I love that spring is right beyond my reach. I look forward to that day where I ditch the big heavy coat for a sweatshirt. I can't wait until the hat/glove box begins to collect dust from disuse.
I have to say I love how slowly the seasons reveal themselves. One day you look outside and you notice that the snow is melted away. The next day you realize you only had two layers on rather than 3. Step by step spring starts to reveal itself. The first greens will pop from the ground. Garden centers will be overflowing with flats of bright colors. I can open windows and allow a fresh cool breeze into the house. My children will rediscover the fun they can have in our small backyard (God willing this spring we can celebrate in a new big backyard).
The only thing that saddens me about this pending spring is my inability to garden this year. It's about this time that I begin to plan and shop for my garden. Though my backyard is small I have learned to make use of every inch of space for the purpose of fruits and vegetables. Last year was a bad one for me and I only did well with my strawberries. I was hoping for redemption this year. However with the pending move I can't plan a big vegetable garden. The plan this year will be a few attractive flowers if we are still here. Low maintenance and pleasing to the eye.
Though I can't plan a lavish garden this year I can plan for an exciting spring. When you have four kids it's actually quite easy to do. They, like me, have been cooped up in this house for far too long. So when you catch a dry sunny day they are all too willing to get outside and enjoy all the spring has to offer. So I will embrace this Lent like any other. And as ugly and death-like the winter can be I know that life-giving spring is within reach.

It's that Lenten thingy...

Lent is here. Today is a day of fasting. Today I fast for a friend of mine whose husband is having surgery.
Neat story: I went to college at DeSales and while there became a theology student. During that time I met someone who was older than the rest of us college kids who had gone back to school to get her degree in Theology. She was and continues to be a great influence. At the time it was like having a mom away from home. Between classes she would sit at this bench at the end of the Theology wing and knit and muse about the finer things in life.
Several years later after having Stephen I joined a moms group and met a few moms. At a dinner one night I was talking to one mom and discovered that she was the daughter of the "college mom." Crazy right? Since then we've become friends and have bonded over our motherhood.
Back to my fast: So in reality I am fasting for two friends. One whose husband is having surgery and one whose father is having surgery. I pray that wife and daughter and all other family members affected by the accident and related surgery find peace and comfort in such a crazy time. And of course I pray for D that his surgery goes well and he recovers nicely and get back on his feet soon enough.

Meanwhile Lent.

Lent is a time of repentance. It is a time to sacrifice. It is a time for change. During Lent the Church asks us to sacrifice something as a way of repentance. Most people take this and give something up. Not many people focus on the opposite side of that and think about doing something. I try to do both. I try to give something up and replace it with something else.
No, not one vice for another. The whole purpose of giving something up is to give something up that is potentially holding us back from the Lord. So I do my best to give something up that is doing just that. Something that is getting in the way, something that causes great distraction. From there I look at what I can replace that time with. And isn't it obvious? If I am giving up something that it hurting my relationship with Christ, shouldn't I then choose to do something that will help my relationship? The answer is a resounding YES. And I will do just that. I will put something bad down and pick something else, that is good, up.
The thing about these sacrifices is that they are supposed to encourage a permanent change. So for me there is no going back. Once I do this it is for good. And it bothers me when others miss this point. Let me give an example. Let's say you give up chocolate for lent. To me the only reason that would be a good sacrifice would be if it is truly ruling your life. Can you not go a day without it? Do you eat too much of it? Is it causing you to be an unhealthy person? So the answer is yes, and you give it up. When you count Sundays Lent is not a true 40 days, so many people will argue that you can take a break from your Lenten sacrifice on Sunday. So let's say that Monday through Saturday you don't touch chocolate and then Sunday comes and you eat a pound of it. Are you really changing? No. So what's the point then? What should happen is that you learn during these 40 days a healthier lifestyle. When Easter comes celebrate it with the accomplishment that you made your sacrifice for the Lord. But don't go back to your sinful behaviors. Instead be changed. Is chocolate sinful? NO. But it can be if you are one to overindulge in the stuff. An unhealthy lifestyle is sinful, in that it does damage to your body.
So at the end of Lent, enjoy your chocolate, but only in moderation. Be transformed this Lent. Become a better person because of your sacrifices and learn a new better way of living.

All for the Glory of the Lord

I want to sit and write and tell you all about what's going on right now. But the motivation and time is severely lacking these days. I'll give you what I can right now and the rest will come when it needs to.

It turns out preparing my house to be sold is harder than I thought. I find the task daunting and stressful. I would love for it to be over. I realize that had we been better at maintaing our house all of this work wouldn't be necessary. I can't go back now, I can't change who we were/are. All I can do is resolve to change my ways. I can say that I intend to not put things off anymore. I will not let the cleaning go. When I let it go the mess only gets bigger and harder to clean. Broken things need to be fixed. When left over time they get more broken and more difficult to fix. I have learned the hard way that laziness is bad. I pray with the Lords help, that I can overcome my laziness and not let this happen again.

That said. I am overwhelmed. I am stressed. Not all of the work we have to do is a result of laziness. It's general maintenance. It's caring more about things that don't normally bother me. I am not one to have a spotless house. I do keep it fairly clean, but I am not a meticulous person. For example, I don't clean under beds, I don't go between couch cushions for dirt. I don't touch the curtains. I know people who do those things as their regular cleaning routines. I don't. I know there is dirt and dust there, but it doesn't irk me enough to brake my back going after it. I'm more of a spot cleaner. I try to vacuum once a week. I sweep daily. I dust when my furniture changes from black to white. I clean windows in the spring (or when I notice the finger smears). But I don't spend every waking minute of my day cleaning or maintaing. I take time out for me. Some days I take too much time (a fault I am working on), most days I think I do all right.

Now on for a recent discovery. Two weeks ago I was painting the wall leading up the steps. I chose a deep red to contrast the brown trim and tan walls. This red proved to be quite the challenge. It was streaking and not going on the wall cleanly. I was getting tired and crabby and my confidence in getting it to look good was slipping. So I started to say to my self: All for the glory of the Lord. Mantra style I kept repeating it. It helped. I reminded myself over and over again that this isn't just for me.

It has a nice kick to it, say it with attitude: all for the glory of the Lord.

punch each word out.

I'm telling you it's a good way to bring yourself back.

I don't want to be painting or cleaning, or any of this other stuff. But I do it. All. for. the. glory. of the Lord.

Helping them become Saints.

I am a mom. I am a wife. I am responsible for 5 souls other than my own. I have to help each of the members of my family reach sainthood. What a huge responsibility. A bit daunting, but I'll take the challenge.

For this post I want to focus on my eldest child, Catherine.

It has become very clear to me that she is called to become something great. Now, I am not a boastful parent. I don't save artwork from school, I don't post about every accomplishment (big or small), I don't claim to be raising geniuses. I do believe that my children are the best and most beautiful beings in the world (but doesn't every mom believe that to be true of their own children?).

This realization came to me over the course of several days and several key events.

Event 1. The Jesse Tree - My mom bought us an Advent Calendar, that was from Lego. When I saw that is was actually just a Christmas countdown I decided I should counter it with something Jesus focused. So I picked the Jesse Tree as the Jesus focused thing. Well, this got Catherine very excited and she was sure to keep me on task. If we missed a day she made sure that we got caught up. After reading the various biblical passages she would often ask questions or ask if she could read the story on her own. It ended up being a great experience overall, and I can't wait to try it again next year.

Event 2 The Bible - I think between the Jesse Tree and Religion classes at school Catherine has been really interested in the Bible. So much so that it was at the top of her Christmas wish list. Of course I got her one. But I refused to get just another children's bible with the abbreviated stories. I did a little research and found the Bible in full text in a translation meant for 6-12 yrs of age. When Catherine opened it on Christmas morning she was very excited. That weekend she started digging through it. One of the boys got a veggie tales dvd based on the Jonah story so Catherine looked it up to read about it. She was looking up Daniel, because that's another story that she likes. She's already requested the tabs you can put in to mark the books of the Bible (just like mine). I taught her how to read the references and she wants to be able to look up references and read them on her own. Also, she could not be more excited about the thought of having her Bible blessed. So we took it to church and the pastor of our parish blessed it for her after mass. He then talked with her for a few minutes about the Bible and Catherine told him how excited she was to discover the Ten Commandments.

Event 3 Ten Commandments - This past week Catherine was misbehaving (see she's not perfect). Whatever the event was it spun into an argument laced with major attitude. So I looked at her and said "Do you remember how excited you were to read the Ten Commandments? Do you know what number 5 is?" Her response: "Yes, it's respect your mom and dad!"

So there you have it she's 6 years old and she wasn't supposed to know the answer she was supposed to say no. Then I would have calmly explained to her what it is and what it means, and how she was not obeying the commandments at that moment. Instead she caught me off guard and I had to rework my lecture. Of course her knowing what the commandments are and that she broke one lead her to ask me how does she make her sins better?

Event 4 Holy Family Homily - On the Feast of the Holy Family our pastor gave the beautiful homily about the importance of a God-centered family. He spoke of how the families that keep centered on God are the ones that are the strongest. There was a whole lot more in the homily but that was several weeks ago and I'm lucky if I get the gist of it each week. Well... a few days later Catherine is being little miss helpful. All day she was doing things for me. Always around the corner asking me: what can I do to help? Of course I kept her busy. Sorting socks, putting clean clothes away, emptying the dishwasher, taking down recycling... Halfway through the day Catherine looks at me and says: Mom, does me being helpful help keep God centered in our family? Cause Msgr. said that the kids job in the family is to be helpful. And I think we should go to church on New Years Day...

I was stunned to say the least. Not only is she being helpful, but she's doing it because she understands it to be God's will for her.

Event 5 Angel Dreams - During the holidays Catherine came to me in the middle of the night to tell me about a dream she had. It was 3am so I barely remember what she said. I know she wasn't scared just concerned as to what it meant. What I do remember is that she dreamt that the Angel Gabriel came to her and was giving her a job to do. When she was done telling me her story this Mother of the Year right her sent her back to bed. I laid there thinking: What in the world am I going to do with her? She's got big Angels talking to her!!!

Event 6 Bring on the Blessings - Yesterday one of the Priests visited Catherine's class, and she told me that the best part of Fr. Hoffa's visit is that he gives a blessing before he leaves. Catherine says she just loves getting a blessing. She also learned two big A words in class. Assumption and Ascension. And she thinks both of those words are cool (even if they are hard to say). Apparently the priests visit often (as they should), and she looks forward to those extra blessings.

So there you have it. A quick summary of what I see as signs of Catherine's call to greatness. Truth be told, all of this scares me. Why? I am afraid of making a mistake. What if I do something that steers her onto the wrong path? How do I ensure that she follows God's plan?

Clearly she is going to be something amazing, I want to be there for it. I want to watch God's plan unfold in her. I want to see her enter the gates of heaven crowned a saint. Most of all, I don't want to get in the way. I don't want to inhibit her in anyway. How do I do that?

For now I will pray.

Saint Catherine, pray for us

Saint Therese, pray for us

All you holy men and women, pray for us