the book I'll never write.

If I wrote a book it would be a parenting book. Which is ironic because I don't read parenting books. If I did read parenting books I would read the ones that are most popular just to see what all the buzz is about. Like the tiger mother book, it sounds like a fascinating story. The controversy around it is just as fascinating. I don't read parenting books because I don't believe in their basic purpose. To tell people how to parent. I don't want someone to tell me what I am doing is wrong. I want to figure it out for myself.
The tiger mother book is a memoir and maybe I'll read it some day. If I would write a book it would be a memoir. Not a how to. But a how I...

Today's lesson is how I fight boredom.

We live in the North East. Look outside and there is about 12 inches of snow on the ground and more coming this week. So far it has snowed about 2-3 inches every few days. Last week we got closer to 6 inches in one day. Now I don't think this is a whole lot but our school district does and they keep closing school over these small storms.

We have had lots of needless snow days which means my kids have been home more than necessary. And after a while the shine of being home wears off. At one point a scheduled three day weekend turned into a five day weekend. The kids were going crazy (as was I). Being on a tight budget and not willing to take them many places I needed to come up with ways to keep them happy on these extended days home.

We have a secret weapon and we call it Play-doh. First of all I hate play-doh. I hate the way it smells. I hate the way it feels. But the kids love it. And they will play it for hours. Years ago we got this huge bin and its loaded with all kinds of tools. We keep it hidden from the kids. They almost never play with it. So when we got to day three of our unplanned five day weekend I broke out the playdoh. And the kids went nuts.

We have one play-doh rule. Keep in the kitchen. It can get mixed. It can fall to the floor. I don't care what they do as long as they keep it in the kitchen. I clear the table and they go to town. They played in harmony for an hour straight. Then one by one they came to me with their smelly little hands declaring they were done. I told them to put lids on the containers wash their hands and go play. At the end of it all I make sure the remaining containers are sealed tightly the tools are put away and I re-hide the box. I sweep up the stuff the fell to the ground. Wipe down the table and it's done.

Play-doh is cheap. I don't care if it gets mixed or if some of it falls to the ground and dries up. All I care about is that it occupied my bored kids for one solid hour. The toys in their playroom can't always do that because they see them every day. Having a secret toy can.

As your children get older your secret toys can get more complicated (if you are brave mom).

1. Pearler beads is one that I love but it is not one you can have around with crawling children. Though a tip to contain the mess is to use cookie sheets as work stations (actually that works for most art projects, I went and bought the cheapest cookie sheets I could and when the kids want to do a project that involves many parts I pull out the sheets as a work station they are portable so I can clear the table for meals and such while letting the project dry or whatever). 
2. Crayola Color Wonder I have used the markers at doctors offices. I have used the paints at home. I don't like the paints. They are a waxy slimy mess but the markers are harmless and the kids find it fun. The pictures don't last forever eventually they fade. This does get expensive because you need the special paper to make it work. 
3. Finger Paint/Water Colors - (no need for a link here). Buy a roll of butcher paper or a giant pack of construction paper and let them have it. 

The list of secret toys can be endless. The point is that it is something that you don't play with regularly. Something that is a treat to have out. New toys are shiny and will hold a child's attention longer than an old toy. Simply hiding a toy and taking it out on a rare occasion makes an old toy feel like a new toy again and again.

The other key to the secret toy is to give your child more freedom than normal. All of the things I listed above require no adult supervision if used in the right setting. When you let your child be free they are happier and they can explore. I'm not saying let them see what happens if they shove play-doh in the toaster, I'm saying don't freak out if they drop it on the floor or if they even put a bit in their mouth (do freak out if they try to eat a whole play-doh sand-which). Give them boundaries but allow them to breathe a bit. Make it feel like they are doing something special.
  

thinking about it.

Today I was in the shower (imagine that), and some thoughts came to me.

• I reflected on how one gets the elusive "me time"
• and I how I figured it out early on when the twins came
• This statement came to mind: Sometimes I put me before my kids, sometimes I put Paul before my kids. Sometimes I put my kids before me. Sometimes I put my kids before Paul.
• I thought about why it's okay and sometimes necessary to put yourself first

I'm still in rough shape and can't sit to write out all of my thoughts, but I thought I would get your wheels turning.

On a sad note, if you are reading this you should pray for a friend of mine. Over the weekend she picked her daughter and granddaughters up in a "rescue" operation. The daughter discovered that the granddaughters were being abused by the fiance. It's an ugly situation and it's only going to get worse before it gets better. So please pray for this family. Thanks.

the things you learn.

This week was a great challenge for me. I have been suffering from a nasty headache and the Dr. has diagnosed it as a migraine. The thing is I have been hurting for more than a week with little relief.

It's hard to get anything done when your ill. I think the mental strain of being sick is worse than the physical strain. I pride myself on getting certain things done and when I fail to complete the most basic tasks I beat myself up and see it as a great failure.

Time and time again I will tell you that I am not a neat-freak. Heck, I'm not the cleanest person ever. I let dust accumulate. I let messes build. Then when it gets bad enough I attack the mess head-on. I know that I should clean daily, and that I shouldn't let big messes build; but I'm a procrastinator so I let it accumulate. At any rate, I do have a list of daily chores that I don't miss. I keep up with the dishes, and the laundry. I like for my husband to come home to a cleaned kitchen (since that is the first place he goes when he comes in).

This week I have barely kept up with the dishes and the laundry and the messes that I planned to attack this week have only gotten worse. The bathrooms are overdue for a scrub down. The second floor needs a good cleaning in general. And then there's the lingering Christmas leftovers (I don't mean food, I mean stuff). I went to bed on Sunday with the plan to get the kitchen reclaimed, and the fireplace room back in working order.

I went to bed on Sunday with a headache, I was on my second day with it and I was sure a good nights rest would take care of it. Monday morning I did my service at the kids school, I came home and got the boys lunch. My head was hurting, and I did as much housework as I could while suffering (which is to say not too much). After two more days of no relief and very little work getting done I decided to visit my doctor and he said migraines. He sent me home with medication.

The side-effects of the medication have left me incapacitated for hours at a time. My poor little boys have been left to fend for themselves. I manage to get them lunch before I go down for the count. Right now, I will thank God that they have allowed me to rest. I'm not getting any better, and while that in itself is cause for concern I am more upset about what I have become this week.

I despise the person that has been laying on the couch motionless. I hate that my kids look in the living room for me before any other place. It's killing me that Paul is coming home to a messy kitchen with dishes lying around. I'm angry that I can't do more. I am a push through the pain kind of person, but I am at times unable to stand. The person I am this week is weak and it frustrates me.

The title of this post is the things you learn. This week I have learned that my kids can handle themselves quite well. They can play for hours at a time without needing me. I have been reminded that Paul is a rock and I can lean hard on him. I have learned that messes can and will wait. I need to rest, get through this and then I can go and take care of all the big cleaning jobs.

I'm sure that there is more but I am hurting. So back to my couch.

and we all go back to work.

Monday Morning. January 3. It's 9:15 and my house is empty. This is a thing of beauty. On December 23 at 12:20 my two older kids came barreling off the bus and thus began the Christmas Holiday.

It has been a lovely holiday season. And I dare say it, we officially broke our Sickmas tradition. Last year was the first year that our family survived the Holiday season without someone in the house getting sick. We've had years where we were hit by nasty stomach bugs, and years with upper-respitory infections that have landed us in the ER on New Years Eve. Last year was the first year we stayed healthy, this year is our second and I am now declaring that tradition long dead.

This year we stayed on top of our shopping and wrapping and baking and all other manners of preparation so that final week before Christmas was truly a relaxing week. We got to wait with joyful anticipation for the fun that was just around the corner. The Monday before Christmas all four of the kids had parties at school and I got to participate in all of them. I started at 9am with the Kindergarten/1st grade party. At 10:30 I walked across the hall to join the pre-schoolers for their Christmas show and party to follow. Then at 11:30 I made it up to the second floor for my daughters 2nd grade class party. It was a busy day for me, but oh so much fun.

Our family Christmas celebrations began on Christmas Eve, and we go non-stop on the Christmas celebrating until the day after. We travel a lot and the kids have learned how to handle that well. The week between Christmas and New Years, however, is my favorite. It's quiet, low key, unscheduled time. The kids get to look more closely at all the toys they got. They get to spend time playing with each of their new items.

I like getting up when I feel like it, not when I have to. The kids got up late all week and first thing they wanted to do was play. All in all it was a great week. And now, after a week of free play it's time to head back to the grindstone. We partied and played right through Sunday afternoon. Celebrating New Years day at my grandmothers house in South Philly (catching the Mummers Parade) on Saturday, and my Nephew's first birthday on Sunday.

We got home Sunday night in time to give the kids showers and put them to bed. Then I re-set my alarms that have been joyfully silent all week (I have five different alarms/alerts that go off during the week).

The week off was wonderful, but I am happy to get back to the grindstone. I am happy to send the kids back to school and for me to return to my "normal" busy routine. I love the break, and the time off, but it's time to get back to it. This week I will finally put away the last of the Christmas toys. I will sweep away the remaining mess from last week, and sadly this coming weekend we will pack up Christmas until next year.

2010 to 2011

In 2010 I have so much to be thankful for

• We welcomed into the world my first Nephew
• We sold our house (what a roller coaster ride at best, the showings, the cleaning to keep it show-worthy, the packing up and walking away from a place that we owned for almost 7 full years)
• We bought a new house (the unpacking, the decorating, making plans for room make-overs)
• My son started kindergarten
• My daughter received first Penance. 

I have great joy to speak for for 2010. No major personal tragedies. We trucked through the year like champs. I did my best to be a positive person throughout the year. 

• In 2010 we discovered how much pain can come with poison ivy
• We discovered how awesome it is to have a big backyard
• We hosted our first ever big party (labor day weekend)
• I discovered the cost savings in hanging my clothes outside to dry
• I discovered that aluminum clothes trees are a waste of money (twice)
• Kids riding the bus is so much better than walking them to and from school.
• Having to drive everywhere does have its draw-backs
• Summer movie series is fun
• The Philadelphia zoo is a great place to spend a day, and a one year membership is worth it. 
• A trip to Hershey with my daughter taught me how much she loves to ride the rides. The higher the better. 
• Stephen go his first bike, and we all learned to love the openness of our neighborhood and how easy it is to go for a ride. 
• Decorating for Christmas is so much more fun when you have more space. 
• We took our first family trip to Washington DC and discovered that our kids love the Metro and running around the museums. 
• Catherine loves history
• Stephen loves Star Wars and all things battle related
• David is a master puzzle solver
• Joshua has the mind of an engineer. 

I can't wait for a new year to bring on new adventures.

• in 2011 we will make our first ever trip to Disney (this includes a first plane ride)
• Catherine will receive First Holy Communion
• I will be applying to go back to work
• David and Joshua will enter Kindergarten
• I will build a new garden 
• maybe fulfill our kids dreams of one day going to Dorney Park (which is only five minutes from our house)

Life changes. It happens so fast sometimes you miss the changes. I love that this year is wrapping up. I love that I can say it was truly a good year. I am grateful that it was such a wonderful for year. I can't wait to begin another year and pray that it is as good as the last. 

not an expert, just experienced.

Have you ever noticed that a parent's FB status involving their child will grow with comments? Especially it its an advice seeking status.

All the sudden your fellow friends who happen to be parents have the right answer for you. They know just what to do. If you're a sensitive person you may get offended when reading other peoples comments because sometimes they can come off a bit strong (as if to say that their solution is the only solution). If you are not overly sensitive you will read the comments as they are meant to be: An experts opinion.

Okay so not really an expert, just an experienced parent who can tell you what has worked for them. Any level headed parent knows that every family is different and every child is different. Knowing this is the key to seeking parental advice. Take what they give you and see how it can work for you.

What makes an expert anyway? Is is someone who has studied children? Someone who has raised a whole bunch of kids? I don't get it. Someone once contacted me to ask me a parenting question because they figured I would be an expert on the subject. I think it was a potty training question, and I did just complete the fourth child's training. So sure maybe by the end I was a bit of an expert. Or maybe just really experienced. The funny thing was that all four of my kids needed different approaches and so I laid each one out.

If I were an expert at anything I would say it's reading the situation and seeing how to apply the right techniques to accomplish my goal. I'm going to use sleep training as my example. Catherine was my first and we didn't realize it until it was almost too late that we were approaching sleep time all wrong. We were developing the habit of waiting until she was sound asleep in our arms to put her down. I don't remember when we started the "feber" method, but I know that's what we ended up doing. Strait by the book. Stephen came along and he was a mild version of Catherine. We learned from the first to not wait until he's almost a year, and so we started sooner. We also knew that we had to let him entertain himself (i.e. don't hold him all the time). David and Joshua came along and once again we adjusted our sleep training strategies to their personalities (for the record David had problems and screamed for a good 6 months, no training worked until he started to feel better).

I am not an expert in putting babies to sleep. I am sure if you give me your non-sleeping baby I wouldn't magically have her sleeping like a champ. Unless I spent a considerable amount of time getting to know her and the family dynamic and then maybe I could help train the baby to be a great sleeper. My kids are all great sleepers. They are in bed by 7/7:30 and usually up by 7:30a (only true during unscheduled periods of life). This suits our lifestyle and personalities. What we do will not work for others. The key to our children's sleep/wake patterns is that it fits with our work schedules. Paul is out the door at sunrise and is home by 4pm (meaning we get enough wake-time with the kids that there is no reason to keep them up at night)

ANYWAY, The whole point of this post was to comment on the "experts" in parenting. I'd argue that there is no such thing. Even Mister Feber himself at one point recanted his "Feber method" saying it might not be the best choice. I do think it's wonderful how parents band together to lend sage wisdom to one another. What would I have done, had I not had friends to call on for their wisdom? My parenting wisdom only goes as far as a 7 year old girl. I would have nothing to offer for the problems you may face with a 10 year old boy (get back to me in five years).

As parents, we need to stick together. We need to help each other out. Don't be offended if someone doesn't take your advice. And don't puff your chest if yours is the advice taken. Don't dispense advice like you're the expert. Don't be afraid to add your pearls of wisdom on a subject that you are experienced with. (Quick side note: a major pet peeve of mine is when someone chimes in with some utterly useless statement. For example, I asked if anyone has a recommendation for a good movie for the kids to watch, don't tell me that you don't let your kids watch tv. That only makes you look obnoxious, just stay out of conversations that don't include you).

Parent's should cheer each other on and help each other out. Never should one parent put another down. We all make mistakes and we are not permitted to judge each others mistakes (I do judge and I recognize this as a huge crutch of mine). We should not be tempted to tell another parent that they are doing something wrong. I once knew a mom who's daughter only napped when nursing. And so for more than a year when it was nap time mom settled on the couch and nursed the child through the whole nap. I never said anything to her about this. It wasn't my place to. She wasn't hurting the baby. She was just making her life more complicated than necessary. If this friend asked me for help in breaking this habit I would have been all over it, but until then I needed to let it go.

We parents must stand united. It's how God created us. To depend on each other. To look to Him in our times of need. Parents are often in need and that's why he putts so many experienced parents in our lives.

funny story.

We are at my parents house and all of the gifts have been opened. I am sitting on the couch and I see a garmin. I ask my sister who got it, and she tells me it hers. And I say to her that I have always wanted one and maybe next year I can get one.
Meanwhile my dad hears the exchange, and looks at me with confusion, and says: You didn't get yours?
He then takes off behind the tree and hands me a small wrapped box and explains that he forgot to give it to me earlier.
Oops guess he forgot.
It was another funny and typical moment at my family Christmas.

And by the way. I am really excited to finally have a Garmin, I have been wanting one for so long.


UPDATE:
Funny Story Part 2
Two days after Christmas Paul and I realized that Stephen forgot to give everybody his gifts. When I helped him wrap things he insisted on hiding things in his room. All of the other kids gifts were in bags in my room. On Christmas Eve we got home so late that I didn't remember that he had gifts hidden. We emptied our room of all the gifts and put them under the tree. The chaos of Christmas morning we didn't even notice that we didn't hand anything out that was from him.
So two days after Christmas we got one more handful of gifts.
Love it!