The day you find out your pregnant for the first time a million thoughts passes through your mind. In ten seconds you can go from elation to pure terror. In the months leading up to the birth you go through every possible emotion. Any mom who ever says they weren't scared is lying. We all go through it. We get excited. We get scared.
The day the doctor placed my daughter in my arms I was over-joyed. I was excited beyond anything you can describe. But in the quiet moments when no one was around I looked at my daughter's face and thought "Holy shit, how are we going to do this?". There was never a constant fear. We trucked through our days praying and hoping we were "getting it right." But every now and again we have to wonder, how did we get here? How did we become the ones ultimately responsible for these people.
It is my job to raise these four kids into adulthood. We all know that it's not just enough to get them to eighteen. We are responsible for what kind of person they will become. What we want for our children is for them to grow into strong independent adults. We want them to be able to make good decisions for themselves. We want for them to succeed in all things. We want for them to become saints. From day 1 I knew that. It scared the crap out of me and it still does. My constant prayer is that I get it right. That my husband and I make the right choices for our children until they are old enough to choose for themselves.
I'm 99% sure that the key to being a good parent is confidence. I think it's okay that we don't always know what we are doing. I think a little bit of fear is healthy. But having confidence is key. So when your confidence is shaken what do you do? That's where I am today. Eight years I have been doing this. In all of this time I have never felt so utterly lost. I am unsure what the next move is, I cannot see the right answer. There were a lot of moments that I couldn't see coming. A hip brace for an infant, NICU time, twins, speech therapy, marathon illnesses, and many more not worth mentioning. All of these unforeseen moments come with the job. Each one I adjusted to. Each one Paul and I figured it out. We pushed through the highs and lows. Making decisions and moving forward.
So now, for the first time, Paul and I are at a loss. We don't know what to do. My daughter has been been having tantrums on a daily basis for almost two months. She cannot be told no or she will through a fit of epic proportions. It's like nothing we had ever seen before. We have always had our share of meltdowns, but lately is has escalated to a level that we can't handle. She has gone from a few protests and shouting matches to defiant and self destructive behavior. And it's all happening on a daily basis. My daughter, at eight years old, has spiraled out of control and I feel powerless to help her.
There is nothing worse than this feeling I have right now. That I have failed my daughter. Is this true? I know deep down that it is not. I can't help but wonder, what did we do wrong? Again, I know that I shouldn't blame myself for this. I don't blame Paul. But I am sure he is questioning himself the way I am questioning me. These are things we can't help.
We are seeking help. We would be failures if we didn't seek help. We would be failures if we just gave Catherine everything she wanted just to avoid the fit. I know all of that. But I'm still going to feel like a failure until everything gets better.
So I'm going to ask you to pray. Pray for me. For Paul. For Cat. For her brothers. Please Pray that we fix this. That we can find ways to make it better. That Catherine can learn how to handle her emotions. That we can find ways to help Catherine express herself in a safer and healthier way.
The day the doctor placed my daughter in my arms I was over-joyed. I was excited beyond anything you can describe. But in the quiet moments when no one was around I looked at my daughter's face and thought "Holy shit, how are we going to do this?". There was never a constant fear. We trucked through our days praying and hoping we were "getting it right." But every now and again we have to wonder, how did we get here? How did we become the ones ultimately responsible for these people.
It is my job to raise these four kids into adulthood. We all know that it's not just enough to get them to eighteen. We are responsible for what kind of person they will become. What we want for our children is for them to grow into strong independent adults. We want them to be able to make good decisions for themselves. We want for them to succeed in all things. We want for them to become saints. From day 1 I knew that. It scared the crap out of me and it still does. My constant prayer is that I get it right. That my husband and I make the right choices for our children until they are old enough to choose for themselves.
I'm 99% sure that the key to being a good parent is confidence. I think it's okay that we don't always know what we are doing. I think a little bit of fear is healthy. But having confidence is key. So when your confidence is shaken what do you do? That's where I am today. Eight years I have been doing this. In all of this time I have never felt so utterly lost. I am unsure what the next move is, I cannot see the right answer. There were a lot of moments that I couldn't see coming. A hip brace for an infant, NICU time, twins, speech therapy, marathon illnesses, and many more not worth mentioning. All of these unforeseen moments come with the job. Each one I adjusted to. Each one Paul and I figured it out. We pushed through the highs and lows. Making decisions and moving forward.
So now, for the first time, Paul and I are at a loss. We don't know what to do. My daughter has been been having tantrums on a daily basis for almost two months. She cannot be told no or she will through a fit of epic proportions. It's like nothing we had ever seen before. We have always had our share of meltdowns, but lately is has escalated to a level that we can't handle. She has gone from a few protests and shouting matches to defiant and self destructive behavior. And it's all happening on a daily basis. My daughter, at eight years old, has spiraled out of control and I feel powerless to help her.
There is nothing worse than this feeling I have right now. That I have failed my daughter. Is this true? I know deep down that it is not. I can't help but wonder, what did we do wrong? Again, I know that I shouldn't blame myself for this. I don't blame Paul. But I am sure he is questioning himself the way I am questioning me. These are things we can't help.
We are seeking help. We would be failures if we didn't seek help. We would be failures if we just gave Catherine everything she wanted just to avoid the fit. I know all of that. But I'm still going to feel like a failure until everything gets better.
So I'm going to ask you to pray. Pray for me. For Paul. For Cat. For her brothers. Please Pray that we fix this. That we can find ways to make it better. That Catherine can learn how to handle her emotions. That we can find ways to help Catherine express herself in a safer and healthier way.
