more on brothers and sister.

I was thinking more about the story I told about Catherine getting up once because of her newborn brother. People often ask about the twins and where they sleep and slept when they were babies. When they first came home we had the bassinets and had two. After a few weeks we upgraded to a crib and only one crib for the both of them.

The bassinets took up too much room and they were out growing them. They shared a crib for several months. We did this mainly because of space. We were still sharing a room with them at the time. They liked being in the same crib, or at least they didn't seam to mind it. We didn't separate them until they started kicking each other in the face (aren't I a good mother?).

Durring the day we kept the boys on the same schedule. I did most days on my own so I always fed one right after the other. They napped together as well. Now, all parents know that every baby is different so sometimes my grand plan of keeping them on the same schedule didn't always work out. And just for clarity sake we did not keep them on the same schedule overnight, Paul and I split the duty he would take care of one baby all night while I did the other. Here's what I quickly learned. Overnight the boys would stir at the sounds of each others cries, but never awaken fully. I can't think of a time (maybe I blocked it out) when one baby cried enough to wake the other.

This is a sure sign of the sibling bond, at least that's what I'd like to think. Catherine learned that crying babies were nothing to worry about, and so did each of the boys. Just this week David woke up overnight crying and when we got to him we find Josh on the top bunk sound asleep while Dave is crying away. Really the only time we had an issue with one child waking another up was in the first few weeks of putting all three boys in the same room. If David or Joshua would wake up Stephen would get out of bed and try to bring them to us. After a while Stephen learned to sleep through it as well (and besides they really don't wake up all that often).

Though my kids are unaffected by each others nighttime crying they are affected by daytime emotions. Just recently David was in our kitchen and told us that Josh was crying and something was wrong. Just as David said it we heard Josh and went to go investigate. The boys were on the opposite side of the house and how David heard him I will never know. The point is that they look out for each other. On a very basic level they take care of each other. If one is hurt they all come running.

I can't tell you how many times there has been a parade of children walking through the house to find me after a scraped knee or some other injury. Granted sometimes they come in to make sure that they aren't in trouble for letting one get hurt, but most of the time its to make sure that they get the help they need.

I find it endearing that they look after each other. I find it amusing when they come in to listen to each others stories so that they can defend their actions. I find it impressive that they can sleep through each others rough nights.

the tornado (a short story)

3:00 pm and alls somewhat quiet. Two four year olds can be found in the playroom working through some game or another. Mom is sweeping the dining room floor wondering how it got this bad in 24 hours. Then she remembers it might have been 48 hours since the last sweeping, oh and she might need to pull out the steamer but not today no time.
3:05 pm it's still quiet the floor is almost swept and now Mom is thinking about the dishes in the sink. Does her husband need the mixer tonight? Can I put it away. The meat isn't all the way defrosted. The trash is full.
3:07pm (maybe no one was looking at the clock) The low roar of a bus can be heard and it happens. Doors slam open and the noise blows through the house. Trampling feet in search of mom and they find her slam into her with hugs and shouts and just like that it's on. The four year olds surface in excitement. Bags are strewn about coats, hats, gloves are strewn about.
In an effort to control something Mom beckons that the coats and gloves and hats make it to their places, somehow her cry is heard.
The chaos of after school lasts for about five minutes. Three of my kids are bundled up and outside. One is hiding in his room (too tired after a long day of school he hangs in his room in an effort to recharge).

Ahh.. the five year old just found me, he needs some mommy time. Gotta go...

The floor is swept but the dishes are not tended to.

bond of brothers. and sister.

Catherine was 2 years old when Stephen was born. For two years she lived the single child life. I remember her cautious attitude toward Stephen when she first met him. It was hard for her to understand that he was a permanent structure in our household. But it only took her a few days to come to realize what it meant to have him in the house. And Catherine being a very smart girl figured out just how serious an adjustment she had to make. 

One thing I'll never forget is one of our first nights home with Stephen. Stephen had no warning system when he was hungry. He went from silent sleeper to screamer in no time. It was a midnight feeding and I was taking Steve downstairs to get his bottle ready and out of her room pops Catherine. She had that drunken look on her face, wobbly on her feet she just looked at me with sad confused eyes and said "mommy what's happening?" Paul the wonder that he is heard the exchange and quickly ushered her back to be before she fully awakened. 

That is the only time that I can recall her ever getting out of bed when one of her brothers got up in the middle of the night. That night Stephen's cries startled her because it was a new sound, but once she knew what it was and how it would effect her (or not as the case was) it never bothered her at night again. Notice here how I said at night?  Stephen cried during the day as well and once again Catherine had to figure out how this would effect her. After a few days she noticed that when Stephen cried I picked him up changed his diapers and fed him. She noticed that if we held him he wouldn't cry. Catherine's problem, in these early days, was that Stephen made too much noise. So, whenever he would cry Catherine would run to me and run the litany: "Mommy, pick him up, feed him, change him, hold him please he needs you." And before you go awww, realize that this was not so much her way of tending to his needs, but a tending to her need to have her world restored to quiet. Okay, it was still adorable. 

It wasn't until months later that Stephen's presence really took it's toll on her. An infant takes mom's attention, which Catherine never really needed, a mobile baby takes toys. And a two and half year old girl had to learn what sharing was...

It's funny how those details are so vivid in my mind, but the early days of David and Joshua are lost. The transition from two to four was rough. I don't have baby books for my any of my kids. I don't have milestone charts. When the doctors asked me when Catherine hit milestones I could tell you (1st teeth at 6mos, crawl at 9mos walk at 13mos...), Stephen I could approximate (crawl at 7mos). David and Joshua I could only tell you that they hit them (I know that Joshua crawled first, but David walked first). I do remember that Catherine had virtually no reaction to having two more brothers. 

There was no waking up with them on their first nights home, or a rush for me to shut them up. By the time they came around Stephen made enough noise that the hope of ever returning to a quiet life was gone and at 3 she had given up. Catherine also knew how to gain the system. She discovered that if she didn't nap she had quiet time with me. She discovered that her room was her sanctuary and that it was her space and no one else's. 

ASIDE: What I really wanted to explore here was how each of my children share an incredibly unique bond. Funny how this post is developing into an exploration on how my kids learned to navigate their world as they grew. 

In the early weeks of having the twins home we had Catherine in daycare. At the time Stephen was home with me at 10/11 months. What Stephen discovered was my vulnerability when I was feeding the boys. By some miracle I had learned to breastfeed and did so with Joshua (out of my four he is the only one, I can explain if you want). Stephen would watch for me to sit down with Joshua and he would take off and try to break through the baby gates. He made it out a few times and he knew that I couldn't get to him until I was done.

The other thing I remember with fondness is Catherine and Stephens ability to spot an empty lap. They would watch and stand by closely whenever I was feeding the boys. They knew that both brothers would have to eat before I could put them down in their chairs and swings. And the second I would be finished with feeding, one (either Cate or Steve) of them would slide into my lap. They would ask for nothing. Sometimes they would bring a sippy cup over and drink while lounging. Other times they would just sit. 

The older two realized that the little ones needed me first, but I would always make time for them. 

The dynamics of the four kids is something amazing. Observing them is a treat. Catherine responded to her brothers much differently than Stephen. Catherine didn't want them to invade her space, but once they did and she accepted that she created her own space they couldn't get to (she still does that). She also has become their guardian, since very early on she has looked after them in her own way. She almost always jumps up to help them whenever she can. Stephen was her space invader and to this day she gets along with the twins better than she does Stephen. Stephen has adopted his brothers as his constant playmates. He's so close to them in age that they can almost always do all of the same things. Stephen uses his status as the older one to be in charge of playtime. He guides them and shows them the ropes. He also loves to be the ringleader when it comes to causing trouble, but somehow maintains his innocence. He looks to Catherine for guidance and when she wants in on the play he tries to let her be in charge. 

Check back in a few days. I think I will dive more into this sibling relationship thing. I want to share more on what I have noticed with David and Joshua, because twins are truly fascinating. 

Decorating with kids.

A friend of mine inspired me to at least start this post. She mused a few days ago about needing to learn to let go of her control in the decorating process. This friend has only one baby who is fast approaching his first birthday, and because I don't actually get to see or speak to her ever I can only guess that he is starting to cause her to rethink some decorations. 

Anyway what it made me think of is how my decorating has evolved over the years. 9 (2002) years ago Paul and I celebrated our first Christmas as a married couple in an apartment with a sparsely decorated tree and two cheap glitter painted stockings. My belly was swelling hinting at the little one to make her arrival in a few short months. That year we decided that each year we would pick up a few things here and there to add to our decor. 

Year two (2003): We had moved from an apartment to a house, the catch? The living room and dining room were all one room. Not much space for a tree and a six month old girl and all the baby things. We added lights to our decorations, and a few new tree ornaments. 

It was year three (2004) that made all the difference.. This time we had a mobile 18 month old and a tired secretly pregnant mommy. Up went the tacky baby gates to keep our darling from the stairs, and the tree. Yes, we fenced the tree. Remember, we have one room as our primary living space. So not only did we put a fence around the tree to keep our curious daughter away, but we discovered the dangers of low lying tree ornaments. It was a sight to behold. The tree was bare from the bottom to about the 3 foot mark (where Catherine's reach extended). 

Years four (2005) and five (06) and six (07) were about the same. As year four gave us a 2 1/2 year old girl, a 4 month old boy, and a tired not-as-secret pregnant with twins mommy. Year five Catherine is 3, Stephen is 1 and the twins are 6 months. well, you get the idea. For several years we had small kids with sticky fingers. Tight living quarters did not make for an easy Christmas set-up. Year after year Paul and I would decorate our tree and celebrate the hilarity of having the ugly baby fence around the tree and the bottom three feet undecorated.

What sets year six apart from the others is that Catherine was 4 which meant she was in pre-school. Soon  she was coming home with decorations that she made at school. What to do. what to do. Embrace the childhood creations! I remember coming home every year around Christmas time with handmade tree ornaments for my parents. Some would have our pictures, some would not. My parents still have most of them, and they still hang them up. And starting that year we would have the same thing. In addition to the tree ornaments, come the wall art. In general I am not a saver, but holiday themed decor I have kept it all. Every year I pull out the Christmas buckets and lo and behold among the candle holders, reindeer and other such things are hand crafted pieces of art on construction paper. I put it all up with as much pride as anything else. 

Years 7 (2008) and 8 (09) And our boys were getting older, and so we removed the baby gate. We still had to carefully place each ornament. We let them take more of an active roll in putting them up. And the best part of allowing the kids to help hang ornaments? We progressed from having the bottom three foot section empty to overflowing with decorations (that being the only place they can reach). Our rule then is, if we catch you touching an ornament then we will move it to the top of the tree. So by Christmas the ornaments are all up high and out of reach. 

And now here we are... 2010 and everything has changed. We moved to a new house. We don't even own baby gates anymore. And we are no longer in the land of one room living. The tree is up, and the bottom is chock full of decorations and we aren't even half way through yet. We have Stephen's pre-school artwork and Catherine's art-work from the past 2 years up with pride. This year we will add things from all four kids to our collection and I could not be more excited about that. 

This year I pulled out a nativity scene that has been in a box since we got it. We have always owned two but were only able to put up one on our mantle. This other one is lovely and we have just the place for it in this hand. With my littlest ones now four they are less likely to break or damage the nicer things that I have been avoiding for years. I love spreading our decorations among many rooms, and of course it now looks as though I don't have much at all. Our store bought decor mixes well will the kids handmade art, and all of it screams family. 

Every year Paul and I try to add to our decor. We cannot spend a lot all at once so each year we pick up a few things. This years decorating budget went to the outside. Two small strands of lights just weren't going to cut it. A two story colonial needs more than a small front porch of a row home. 

I truly enjoy the evolution of our Christmas decorating.  I like letting the kids help. I love the homemade keep sakes. When my kids get old I want them to remember Christmas as something fun. I want them to look at our tree ornaments and pull from them fond memories of their childhood as I do when I go home and see mine on my parents tree. I remember my dad holding out our special ornament that is marked with our birthday for us to put up. I try to do the same for my kids (I had an ornament engraved for each of the kids). I remember putting up our handmade stocking on Christmas eve (I still haven't finished my kids stockings, but more on that later). 

I have many great memories of my childhood that involve Christmas and decorating, and I want for my children to have the same. This friend who wants to let go of control... she can if she wants, or she doesn't have to. I can remember not being allowed to put anything on the tree until my dad had all the lights just the way he wanted. I can remember him guiding us where to put certain ornaments. Even when he was here this weekend watching me light my tree he was giving me directions. It's part of the tradition, and I'm not sure that there is a right or wrong way to do it. 

The blaming game.

My daughter is currently preparing for the sacrament of first Penance. She will be receiving the sacrament in December. Part of her preparation is to learn about sin. As an adult, I don't give this subject much thought of course I understand what is a sin and what is not. But my daughter is 7, her understanding of sin is much different. 

Since my kids were babies we have taught them right from wrong. Before they could speak they understood what the word "no" meant. For a baby right from wrong is really what is safe versus what isn't safe. Think about it, most of our no's relate to keeping baby safe. 

No don't climb the stairs

No don't eat food from the floor (that's a lie I don't think I ever said that)

No don't walk into the street

No don't walk away from me

No don't touch sharp/breakable objects

As they get bigger we stem from safety to more behavioral things.

Don't throw your food on the floor

Don't take from brother or sister

No shouting inside or at a store

The experts tell us not to fill our children's heads with only negatives, focus on positives. Those lessons are also part of discipline. 

Saying please and thank you.

Put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket. 

Pick up your toys.

We start to teach our kids right from wrong very early on. And when they reach a certain age they become more capable of making choices. How many times have you said no and your child looks at you and does the thing anyway? Somewhere around age 1 or 2 our children decide it's time to test their boundaries. They choose not to listen to us, and now we have to step up and respond appropriately. A two year old doesn't know he is sinning he only wants to know what will happen if he doesn't listen. 

So our teaching our children right from wrong includes punishments and positive reinforcements. I have done it all.

Hand slaps

Butt spankings

Time outs

Take away privileges (including toys)

Thanked them for doing a good job

Rewarded them for extra good behavior

It seams to me that children progress in their understanding of right from wrong with age. As they get older they become more capable of understanding actions versus reactions. They learn that if they run into the street they will not be allowed outside for a while. If they don't clean up they will not be allowed to play with toys for a while. Every choice has its reward. The tricky part is when they don't care about the consequences that come with their choices (this is what makes parenting such a roller coaster). 

Back to my daughter... At age seven she is learning about choices. Her religion text has reviewed with her the difference between choice and accident. Did someone choose to hurt you or was it an accident? This is one of the key components to sin: Choice. Sin is a choice to do something that is wrong. She is learning how to think about what she is going to do before she does it. What a lesson we all must practice daily! Sin comes in many shapes and sizes. Sin happens upon deep thought, and impulsive actions too. 

Now that she understands that sin is a choice, she gets into the next lesson: Forgiveness. Realizing your sin and asking for forgiveness then making the promise to sin no more. She is learning about accepting responsibility for her own actions. And that is what I really want to talk about.

Catherine is an emotional little girl. She runs hot and cold, very rarely is she anything in between. She challenges me on a daily basis. My family and friends always rave about how wonderful Catherine is, I often get complimented on her sweet nature. All of these things are true. She is sweet and wonderful and full of excitement. However (you knew this was coming), when she is at home she can be quite the opposite of sweet and wonderful. She fights and throws fits with the best of them. At times I am at a loss as to how to handle her outbursts. Most days she sent to her room where she will shout and carry on for upwards of 30 minutes (Her worst moment lasted an entire day off and on). 

Now that she is learning about sin and choices I attempt to use these outbursts as teaching moments: 

Do you realize you are making a bad choice right now?

Talking to me this way is a sin. 

It breaks the commandments when you behave in this manner. 

You get the idea. Sometimes I jump in a shout right back at her, then I realize that this is only leading to failure and so I step back and wait for the storm to pass. When it does it's time to sit and talk about what is really going on. The inevitable question: How did we get here?  In a calmed state I often try to talk to Catherine about the choices she made that got her into trouble in the first place. The biggest obstacle that she faces is her inability to accept responsibility for her actions. 

If you didn't do this... If Stephen/David/Joshua didn't say... She wants to place the blame on somebody else. It couldn't possibly be her fault. 

This past weekend she had a friend come over to play. Before her friend came over we talked to Catherine about her room. We told her that at the end of the day it would be her responsibility to clean up the room (no matter how messy it got), and that she should think about that when choosing what to take out and play with. Sure enough the two girls played the day away and after K went home for the night Catherine's room was a total disaster. And as soon as we sent Catherine in there to clean up the mess the fight began. In the midst of the clean-up she was angry. She blamed K for wanting to play with her things. She said she never wanted K to come over to play ever again. I go in there as calm as I can and remind her that this is what we talked about before she came over. 

The thing is, that if Catherine admits that the messy room is her doing than she has to suck it up and clean it herself. If she can somehow convince me that it wasn't her doing than maybe I'll take pity on her and clean with her. In the end, we win and her room is clean... but we didn't win just yet. The real problem wasn't the mess, it was the fact that she can't take responsibility for it. I see this becoming a life-long struggle. 

Blaming someone else for our wrong choices goes back to Adam and Eve. Think about it. The Lord asks Adam, who told you to eat the fruit? Adam replies, Eve. The Lord asks Eve, who told you to eat the fruit? Eve replies, the serpent. They were so afraid to face the Lord and his punishment that they thought it would be better if it wasn't their fault. 

One of the many lessons revealed in the Adam and Eve story is that you can't hide behind blame. Sin is about making choices and when you choose to do something that is wrong when you know that it's wrong you are sinning. 

So, day to day we have to explain this to Catherine. It wasn't her friends fault that she was having a meltdown about cleaning her room. That was her own choosing. Yes she had help making a big mess, but she wasn't in trouble for making the mess. She was in trouble for fussing about cleaning the mess. It was Catherine that choose to make a big deal about cleaning. She started talking back to us and refusing to do her job. But in her mind, she shouldn't have to clean up a mess that wasn't her fault in the first place. See? Back to the blame. It wasn't my fault. 

But that's rarely true. The sins we commit are always our fault. We can't blame anyone else but ourselves. or can we? Can we blame the serpent? After all, he does make the fruit so enticing. Didn't he tell Eve that God mislead her? He made that fruit seem like the best idea in the world. Maybe it was the serpents fault? or maybe... Eve still had a choice to make. At the end of the day she gave into temptation. And so do we. I know it's a terrible idea to keep eating the chocolate, but I still do it. I'm giving in. No one is making me eat the chocolate. No one is forcing me. If I am forced then it's not a choice. I have to live by my choices. And I can't blame anyone else for my mistakes. I need to own them. I need to teach my children to own their mistakes. 

Maybe this seams like an uphill battle. On some level it is. Week after week I have the same conversations with my daughter, and soon I'm sure I will have them with my sons. I can't stop having these conversations. I can't stop demanding nothing but the best from my sons and daughter. I must teach them again and again to own their sins, seek forgiveness for them, and work to commit them no more. 

It drives me crazy that they blame other people for their wrong doings, and I will work tirelessly to show them that it just won't work. 

Praying through it.

Something that I have been working on is prayer. I don't pray enough. I'm very conscious of complaining too much or even asking for too much. I'm afraid of being judged harshly. So, I don't pray enough.
Now, I know what you're thinking. Not all prayer is complaints or begging for things. Some prayer is for giving thanks. I try really hard to direct most, if not all, of my prayer to giving thanks. And, when I don't I feel as though I have failed.
Right now, as I am writing this, I know that this is not even close to true. I know that I am not a failure. I know that I am not perfect as well. I also know that I need to pray more. I need to shift my focus to Our Lord.
I should take the time to ask for the things I need. I should take the time to lay all my faults and failings out there. Right? Of course I should. But I am a weak and fearful child. I don't know why I am so afraid to just lay it out there. I don't know why I am afraid to ask for the things I need, or to even cry about the struggles I face.
Sometimes I do feel as though my struggles aren't worth the Lords time. (He's got bigger things to deal with) I do have to remember that I am just as important as the person next to me. That no problem is too big or too small for our Lord to here.
In addition to my need to lay down the bad stuff I need to offer more thanksgiving. I don't thank God enough. Once upon a time, I was told to thank God every day for something. No matter what my day was like I had to thank God for one thing, and consider it a personal failing if I didn't. At the time I was in a dark place and this was my Saviors (Holy Spirit working through his servant) way of getting me through it. I did get through it. In those days I made three promises that I had to keep daily. And thanking God was one of them. I kept it. And I am convinced that simple prayer saved my soul.
So here I am, not quite in a dark place. Maybe a bit shadowy at times... But here never-the-less I see a great need in my life to increase my prayers.
I need to ask the Lord for the things I need.
I need to thank the Lord for the things I have.
My days need to be filled with prayers. Pray will shine light so bright that the shadows can't break through. And so the question is: If I know that this is what I need, why am I having such a hard time doing it?

me and make-up.

I don't wear make-up. There I said it. Of course if you look at photos of me that fact becomes painfully obvious.
I have been cursed blessed with very poor skin. When I was a teenager with the breakouts all over I kept thinking I just have to get past this puberty thing and I'll be fine. By the time I hit my 20s my skin will clear and this will be a distant memory of awkward teenager hood.
Well... I'm thirty and my face still breaks out constantly. Nothing that I am willing to try has ever worked. So I just live with it. Not much else I can do about it.
This next part I do not mean to blame my mom or anyone else but it has to be said... The constant break-outs are one reason I don't wear make-up. I always feel that putting on make-up to cover the break-outs only highlights them and draws more attention.
The bigger reason that I don't wear it is because I never truly learned how to wear it, nor did I ever develop that ritual most women have. There was no magical coming of age mommy and daughter moment wear she showed me how to apply certain products.
Part of it may have been that my mom worked a lot in order for us to have the things we did (i.e. private schools, food, clothing). Part of it may have been that I was the middle of five kids and that kept my mom really busy. Part of it may have been that I didn't show much interest. I wasn't exactly the girlie girl back then.
In high school I owned a lot of flannel, over sized jeans, listed to alternative music, and only ever wore chuck taylors. (By the way I so want a pair of chucks for christmas) I didn't spend time fixing my hair. I got up I showered ran a brush through my locks grabbed a rubber band and went on my way. I think I got it cut once a year.
So my lack of knowledge of make-up was no ones fault. I just never figured it out. I think it was a time thing too. I couldn't be bothered to spend the time putting stuff on. I would wear some one day and then not the next.
Here I am at age 30. I own few make-up items. I had to look up instructions on how to wear eye shadow a few months back (I wanted to get it right). I very rarely put it on. At this point only if I am getting dressed up for some big thing do I bother.
It has never been a modesty thing, though that would be the nicer story to tell. I could say that I don't want to be vain about my looks. I don't want to obsess about my appearance. I will never be that girl that feels horrified when people see me without make-up. Instead, I am horrified when my breakouts are at their worse (but still do nothing to hide them). In truth, I really don't care that much. I never have.
It wasn't until about a year and half ago that I started taking the time to do my hair on a regular basis. Now it's something I do almost daily. And when I am in a rush, like today, I just throw on a hat. It's the short hair that does it. For years I had long hair and I would just pull it back, day after day. I finally got the never to cut it short. Short hair means no pulling it back. Short hair means daily maintenance.  I like it short, but I am ready to go back to longer hair for a while.
I like the low maintenance lifestyle. And really at the end of the day. Looks don't matter.